17 thoughts of an anxious flyer

17 Jul 2016

Anxious flyer

1) What if someone snuck a bomb, 3 bags of cocaine and a terrorist midget in my bag when I was buying my almond croissant? 

2) I wonder if anyone has actually attempted to take an electric drill on holiday with them? 

3) Didn’t set off the metal detector. Pure elation.

4) Oh no wait, yes I did. Now they’re going to awkwardly pat my crotch. There really ain’t nothing up there pal. 

5) Do nail scissors count as a weapon?

6) Wait, there’s defs half a pack of paracetamol at the bottom of my bag. What country am I going to? Is it one of those where paracetamol is illegal? AM I GOING TO BE ARRESTED FOR DRUG SMUGGLING?

7) “Flying is just like getting a train.” Oh fuck off. 

8) I am now going to spend some quality time with my brain, envisioning every air disaster I have ever heard of. 

9) No but, seriously, what did happen to flight MH370?? 

10)  Turbulence. Thou art satan.

11) I feel sick. I can't hear anything. I'm hungry. Ears have popped. Probably deaf forever now. I'm hungry. Feel sick.

12) Oooo Pringles. 


14) Spent the entire flight shivering, step off the plane and feel sweaty and grubby as hell. Logic. 

15) Oh THANK GOD. My perfectly valid passport was allowed through customs. 

16) Think I got away with the moment he asked where I’d flown in from and I went ‘er, um, er....’ Basically, my tongue stopped working and I looked like a tongue-less twat. Good. 

17) Is the hearing in my left ear ever gonna return or nah...?