2 Oct 2024
September Journal | Cosy season, my go-to candle brands & things I’ve loved lately
Cosy season is upon is. It’s my favourite season of the whole year and I am very happy about it. People often assume that, if you love Autumn and Winter, you must hate summer and that really isn’t the case. There is plenty I love about summer; the way my garden fills with colour, the smell of BBQs, the bright blue skies, long evenings sat out with fairy lights twinkling, the juicy fruit, picnics, ice cream…
But there’s no denying I also find summer overwhelming and overstimulating. The constant pressure to be having the best time ever, the crowds, the way I can always hear my neighbours in the garden (and smell their ridiculously strong weed habit), the expectation that you should always be enjoying the weather even when you can’t hack temperatures higher than about 24c, and spend most of your time trying to find the shade.
It's acceptable to admit that your mood leaps when the sun comes out, but people think you’re strange if you admit that the thought of golden leaves whipping around in a brisk wind is your idea of heaven. But I’ll choose a rainy day sat by a roaring fire over a hot beach any day, and I don’t mind admitting it.
September is a lovely month in between the two seasons though. Still warm, but not overly so, and with that freshness in the air that always makes me feel excited for the season to come. You can literally watch the season change as the month goes on and I think there’s something special about that.
My go-to candle brands
As we’re going into the season of knitwear and candles, I thought I’d share with you the candle brands I fall back on every year when I’m stocking up:
Illumine candles – a small independent business run by a couple in Devon. I first discovered their cashmere vanilla and sea salt caramel candle when buying a Christmas present for my sister and it smelt so good when I opened the packaging, then I immediately ordered one for myself, and have continued to do so every year since. The scent fills the room and lingers for ages afterwards. Whilst this is by far my favourite scent, I’ve tried several of their others and they’ve also smelt delicious. At £16 for a large candle, I also think they are really good value for money.
& Chai – another small independent business, run by two sisters in Hertfordshire. What I particularly like about this brand is their wooden wicks which gives off a gorgeous crackling sound, like an open fire. I also really enjoy their slightly more unusual scents and cute names (particularly enjoy the Taylor Swift references). The last candle I ordered from them was the ‘Apple Grove’ which is green apple, caramel, red berry, toffee and cocoa crème whip – smells gorgeous and perfect for Autumn.
Overose – I tend to only buy from here when there’s a sale because they are very pricey. But their patisserie range, including the viral croissant candle as well as flavours such as pain au chocolat and cinnamon bun, make your whole house smell like a bakery. They burn beautifully evenly, and their solid pink / purple candle are very aesthetically pleasing. Keep an eye out during Black Friday if you want to treat yourself.
Twenty things I've loved lately
The way my favourite coffee shop always gives me a little extra hot chocolate.
Colin From Accounts series 2. Love it when a second series is just as good as the first.
Soups, anything with gravy… it’s that time of year.
Race Across The World; one of those rare occasions where I think the celebrity version works just as well.
A glamping trip just before the weather truly turned, countryside, campfires, stargazing. Gorgeous.
Vinted saving my bacon when it comes to having no bloody clothes to wear. I shall be living in second-hand maternity dungarees for the foreseeable.
Cooking shows – Jamie Oliver and Nadiya Hussain; I find them extremely soothing.
A weekend in London with my girls; we ate, we talked, we looked at pretty views; basically my favourite kind of weekend.
Our little family of three; I mean, I love them all the time obviously but you know sometimes, you look at them and think how did I get so lucky.
A night out with the NCT gang, love it when you talk so much you lose track of time and suddenly it’s 10:45pm (a very late night for me these days).
Ella Risbridger’s shallot, rosemary and chorizo carbonara recipe. Autumnal and absolutely delicious.
An early gender scan to find out the sex of baby no.2. Added treat of getting to see them in 4D.
A Very Royal Scandal; a brilliant piece of television. Ruth Wilson was particularly good.
Bake Off is back!! I made us mug cakes to eat with the first episode – whisk together 8tbsp plain flour, 4 tbsp cocoa powder, ½ tsp baking powder, 4 tbsp sugar and a pinch of salt. Add 10 tbsp plant milk and 4 tbsp olive oil and whisk again until smooth. Pour evenly into two mugs (halve ingredients if just for one). Add a tbsp Biscoff spread on top of each (no need to mix this in). Microwave for 1 minute.
Currently reading Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo and it is bringing me out of my reading rut. It is also perfect reading for this time of year – spooky, magical, dark academia vibes.
The enthusiasm Alfie shows when eating a chocolate brownie.
I'm writing a new story over on substack – as always, it’s a very early draft but the fear of sharing my messy, early work is getting easier. It’s a very gentle story about New York, grief, food and two strangers coming together. It’s going to be 6-7 parts and you can read parts 1-4 here. I’m sharing the next instalment on Friday.
Crunchy leaves underfoot.
Deep breaths when sat on a windy beach watching Alfie throwing stones into the sea, before hunting out some warm, sugary doughnuts.
25 Sept 2024
One Minute Book Reviews: Summer Reads
I am in a reading rut and I cannot tell you how much I loathe it. The first trimester has done a number on me; feeling too sick to read and too exhausted to get drawn into a book. I am really hoping that now I’m through the worst, and cosy season is here, I will get stuck back into some good’uns. In the meantime, here’s the small selection I read over the summer:
The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley
A civil servant finds herself working on an experimental project that brings expatriates from the past into the twenty first century. She is responsible for helping Commander Graham Gore, a Victorian polar explorer presumed dead in 1847, adjust to modern day phenomena such as Spotify, germs, transatlantic flights and political correctness. Over a long, sultry summer, the two begin to fall in love but as uneasy truths start to emerge, they are forced to reckon with the realities of the project that brought them together. I loved the first half of this novel; watching Gore discover and adjust to modern day life, the dynamic between the two main characters, the scenes where the characters from across history came together (particularly loved Maggie and her Tudor-ways). I didn’t so love the final third of the novel where it got caught up in sci-fi adventure that just wasn’t… very good? And jarred with the first half of the story. I wish we could have just spent more time watching the characters integrate and interact; that was the better story to tell. 3.5/5
I hope this finds you well by Natalie Sue
Jolene works in a dead-end job, riddled with anxiety and depression, and hates her co-workers. When an IT mix-up grants her access to the entire department’s private emails and DMs, she is initially horrified to discover what her colleagues really think of her, until she learns job cuts are looming and realises the power this access can give her. But as she delves deeper into the private lives of her colleagues, Jolene discovers a lot more than she bargained for and her carefully-built walls start to crumble. Imagine a very low-key thriller of office politics combined with a romantic comedy. This was very funny in places with characters that are so flawed, you can’t help but love them. It was one of those that has you from the first page and I really enjoyed it. 4/5
You and Me on Vacation by Emily Henry
Poppy and Alex have been friends since college and made a pact 10 years ago to go on vacation together every year. They’ve had adventures in Vancouver, New Orleans and Croatia, but two years ago it all went wrong. Now Poppy has invited Alex on one last trip; perhaps the last opportunity for these two best friends to realise they could be something more. I’m slowly working my way through Emily Henry’s back catalogue and whilst I enjoyed this, I didn’t think it was quite as good as the other two I’ve read. Still, a nice summer read and full of the great dialogue that Emily Henry does so well. 3/5
Impossible Creatures by Katherine Rundell
Christopher is visiting his reclusive grandfather when he witnesses an avalanche of mythical creatures come tearing down the hill. This is how he learns that his grandfather is the guardian of one of the ways between the non-magical world and the Archipelago, a cluster of magical islands where all the creatures we believe to be myths live and thrive amongst humans. But the protection of the islands is wearing thin, and Christopher sets off on an urgent quest alongside Mal, a girl with a flying coat and a baby griffin, to find out the truth about what threatens both their worlds. This novel got a lot of fuss in the world of children’s books, and I can see why. I think it’s a real talent to write well for children and I think if the author has done it in such a way that an adult can enjoy the story as well, then they’ve nailed it. 4/5
Happy reading folks x
13 Sept 2024
August Journal | Mamma Mia, Here We Go Again
My summer has been a mix of exhaustion, gagging on non-existent smells and ranting about how it is possible for my clothes to not be fitting already.
This is my way of telling you I’m pregnant again in case that wasn’t obvious.
I found out when we were on holiday in Devon. I was so incredibly bloated that I turned to Gary one evening and said ‘do you think I’m pregnant or I’ve just eaten a lot of cream teas?’. The answer was both, as it turns out. I would say we didn’t tell anyone straight away, but I’m pretty sure I inadvertently told the woman working in the local chemist when I came in three days in a row, first to buy a pregnancy test, second to buy folic acid, third to buy Gaviscon.
Those first few weeks of pregnancy are just about getting through and that’s what I’ve been doing since the start of July, head down, trying not to throw up, trying not to fall asleep in public, trying not to worry too much about giving birth again or the realities of life with a three-year-old and a newborn. I’ve been more exhausted than my first pregnancy (but I’ve also had an iron deficiency and a toddler so that might explain it), the nausea has come in waves rather than being relentlessly 24/7 like before, but I’ve found myself gagging a lot more; my sense of smell has been so heightened, pretty much anything can set me off. Still, I thought it had been, on the whole, an improvement than with Alfie but the morning I threw up at the smell of the food bin made me wonder if I was clutching at straws and first trimesters are just crap all round.
None of my normal clothes fit, but I’m not really ready for maternity clothes. I think I managed to bypass this period last time because it was summer, and I just wore my usual floaty dresses with a bump peaking through. But we are entering into knitwear season and NONE OF MY JEANS WILL DO UP. As I write this, I’m wearing my roomiest pair of jeans with the hairband trick holding them together. Should I just resign myself to wearing leggings for the next few months?
The thing I have learned about second pregnancies is that they are more understated than the first. Absolutely no disrespect to this very-much-wanted second child but I’ve done this before, I know what’s coming. It’s still special but there’s less nervous anticipation and more resigned reality. I’m excited for the good bits but lack the naivety of how hard the hard bits will be, and I do kinda miss that blissful ignorance of the first time. There’s also less novelty; it’s less big news for me and others. When I got pregnant with Alfie, I had one friend with a baby. Now I’ve lost count of the amount of lil squish balls knocking about. The main reason this pregnancy will be less dramatic than the first though is because there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of baby making their grand entrance at Christmas. I’ll be able to tell people their birthday without one person saying the words ‘that must have been a lovely Christmas present for you’ and ain’t that a treat.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty that this baby doesn’t have all the hype of the first, but I also know how much they will benefit from having parents who have done this before. I can’t wait to put into practice all I have learnt with them. I can’t wait to hold a newborn again, to see whether they look like their brother. “I’m so broody,” I said to my friend the other day as a family with a newborn walked past. “It’s a good job!” she responded. In a way this pregnancy still feels very abstract, like we can’t quite believe we will be having another little munchkin to bring up.
As you can probably tell, we’re nervous, excited and all the emotions in between.
Little one will be arriving early Springtime.
7 Aug 2024
June/July Journal | Twenty Things I've Loved Lately
1. Eating al fresco again, one of my favourite things about summer.
2. Speaking of which, this simple lemon pasta hits the spot on a hot day.
3. Douglas is Cancelled, an excellent bit of telly. It starts off being a bit of a so-so comedy and then the third episode hits you like a freight train and you don’t laugh once. And then all rounded up into an excellent finale where you reexamine every word and moment. Just brilliant.
4. Also, the latest series of Trying; I could spend hours with these characters.
5. Fantasising about candles to buy in the Autumn; the Overose ones are very pricey but also by far some of the best candles I’ve come across. Obviously, it’s the ones that smell like baked goods that have me in a chokehold.
6. I am really buzzing for the Wicked film coming out in the Autumn, not going to lie.
7. The Tory government got voted out and I’m not even going to pretend I wasn’t thrilled.
8. I finally got on the Bridgerton trend and it has been an excellent binge watch. I’m just about to dive into series 3… no spoilers please!
9. My sister got married, and it was the loveliest, loveliest day.
10. My baking brain has been consumed by planning and practicing the wedding cake for months now, so it has been nice to open it up to other ideas again. May have been a little overzealous in treating myself to some new cookbooks as a ‘reward’.
11. Alfie finally said ‘mummy’ for the first time and I really can’t see it ever getting old.
12. Also, Alfie getting really into cuddly toys and now having to go to sleep with several, including a bear that is practically the same size as him. It is very cute, if a little disconcerting when he comes into our bed during the night with an entire menagerie.
13. Oh little ones running in and out of paddling pools is so wholesome.
14. A week by the sea in Devon, where the weather was so kind to us.
15. Nothing can quite beat warm scones with jam and cream (IN THAT ORDER) whilst sat by the sea on a British holiday.
16. This year has been a bit weird and overwhelming in many ways and I feel like I haven’t had much opportunity to see friends so trying to pepper the calendar with plans over the next few months.
17. An end-of-summer glamping trip in the diary, booked on a bit of whim.
18. Eating delicious tapas sat by the river.
19. The ‘favourites’ feed on Instagram. It cuts out a lot of the noise and can make social media feel like a much calmer, nicer place. Also setting strict time restrictions on social media usage in general (restricted by a pin code that only my husband knows) is very good for me.
20. My The Simple Things magazine subscription. It’s like a little moment of calm and joy arriving in the post every month.
State of affairs in the UK right now feels pretty grim. Hope you're doing okay dear reader x
31 Jul 2024
I did a 3.5-hour train journey with my toddler, and it restored my faith in strangers
I have this belief that most people are fundamentally nice, but sometimes, world events can seriously test this belief. It’s so easy to look at the news and think ‘this is a shitshow’. But I had to do a 3-and-a-half-hour train journey alone with my toddler recently, which included multiple trains, and honestly, it restored my faith in humans.
The basics: we were going on holiday to Devon, with an overnight stopover in Bath. Then my husband had to go away for work the day before we were supposed to be travelling and so we found ourselves in a situation where Alfie and I needed to get to Bath via train. I was not exactly thrilled about this. A 1hr15 train into London, the tube to Paddington, and then a 1hr40 train to Bristol. On my own. With an incredibly active toddler. Er, no, I’m good thanks. But I had to get my big girl pants on because there wasn’t really another option, and I did want to go on holiday.
My biggest concern in these scenarios is that you’re in a confined space surrounded by other people who most likely do not want to be disturbed by a small child. If I was on an empty train I wouldn’t be fussed, it’s keeping them quiet and entertained and, most challenging, restrained to a seat that’s the problem. I was dreading it. But honestly, I just ended up having a series of nice encounters with strangers and it warmed the cockles.
Let's go
So, all our luggage is with Gary and I need to be able to fold down the buggy at a moment’s notice so I have had to contain everything I need to a small rucksack and cross body bag (god bless the Mary Poppins-style Uniqlo bags. If you know, you know. And if you don’t, get in the know. They’re fifteen quid and game changing.) It keeps me hands free. Alfie is in the buggy but if I need to put the buggy down, I can fold it up and have it on a strap on one shoulder and Alfie on the opposite hip.
The journey starts well because my parents are going into Cambridge, so they join us for the first 15 minutes, and the carriage is pretty empty so I don’t even need to fold up the buggy, I just tuck it into the bike/wheelchair section and keep an eye out in case anyone needs the area. Alfie is so excited to be on a ‘choo choo’ and to keep seeing ‘choo choos’ out the window that he doesn’t seem that bothered when his grandparents get off, nor when a lot more people get on at Cambridge. He does keep exclaiming ‘choo choo’ quite loudly but the older woman across the aisle smiles at him every time he does so, and the commuter who sits at the table opposite us in his suit seems to take an immediate liking to Alfie. “Oooo how exciting, so many trains. And when you get into London there will be buses and cars, you’re going to have a great time!” I could hug him. I don’t, obviously, but he was so what we needed.
I do have to endure Alfie standing on my lap and draping himself across my face so he can intently examine every other person in the carriage over the back of my seat (whether they want him to or not) but to my delight, being on a train and people watching is essentially enough to pass the first train journey. Just as the novelty is wearing off, I whip out some snacks and he munches on them whilst making uncomfortable eye contact with a girl sat across the aisle. “There’s a model train set in Kings Cross station,” our friend at the table tells me, and gives me specific instructions on where to find it. I know we won’t have time to go see it which breaks my heart a bit cos he is being so damn nice, but I make a mental note for the future. And then just as we are pulling into London, he asks if I want him to take a picture of Alfie and I on my phone. Honestly, what a babe.
I carry the buggy with Alfie in it off the train at Kings Cross, ask a member of staff where the nearest lift to the tube is which turns out to be right next to the platform and I suddenly have a feeling like this might all go quite well. London’s underground system is not step-free friendly, but I can’t fault the directions to the lifts at Kings Cross (you need different lifts for different tube lines) and we are down on the right platform after two lift rides and a bit of walking with no trouble. I get on the tube with the buggy still up because it is only going down if absolutely necessary as far as I’m concerned, and the tube isn’t busy enough to warrant it. I’m standing obviously, but Alfie is getting a little nervous and wants to hold my hand. Immediately the guy on the end seat jumps up and insists I take it so I can be on the same level as Alfie. Another guy opposite grins every time Alfie says ‘choo choo’ or asks if it’s our stop.
We get to Paddington and there’s a paper sign taped to the lift door saying it’s out of order, and so I’m left facing a not insignificant number of stairs. Ah. It was going so well.
“I can come back down and help you?” a woman asks me. She’s wearing airline clothes, has two suitcases of her own and is wearing heels that I’d break my ankle in.
“Are you sure?”
“Let me just take my cases up.”
She gets halfway up the stairs and then another woman realises what she’s doing and offers to stand with her luggage whilst she helps. By this point, a dad with a buggy has appeared next to me and asks if I want to do one buggy at a time between us. But airline lady is back down and says she’ll come back for him as well. Well, this is wholesome. I thank her about a hundred times when we get to the top of the stairs. And then Alfie and I are in the middle of Paddington station which is heaving. But I take the fact that the water refill station is right at the top of the stairs as another good sign, refill our bottles and then make my way to the Millie’s cookies stand. This is a day for treats. I let Alfie pick the cookie he wants which may be an error because that boy ain’t gonna forget if someone mentions chocolate. Getting onto the platform is entertaining because it is so busy, but I hold my nerve and don’t actually put the buggy down until we’re outside our train carriage. Something that will surprise no one – train aisles are not big enough to walk down with a buggy on your shoulder and a toddler on your hip so that’s fun, and then I have to kick a guy out of our reserved seats which he does not look impressed by. Kids under 4 travel for free on trains but if you want to actually have a seat for them, you have to buy a ticket, so I was having those seats. He sits opposite us instead and frowns at his laptop and I have to resist the urge to tell him he might just wanna move away from us altogether because I really don’t think we’re going to be his vibe.
Watching the trains outside only kills about 10 minutes this time but this is the moment for the contents of my bag. We do some colouring, but Alfie’s restless so I deem it’s time to crack open lunch and iPad. To my surprise, he sits quite happily with his Tupperware of pasta pesto and Zog on the iPad (very quietly). Okay he does roar at the top of his voice when the dragons roar (if you’re not a parent, this probably means very little to you – he was shouting ROAAAARRRR in the middle of a quiet train carriage is all you need to know) but hey, could have been worse. Laptop guy understandably does not look thrilled by dragon impressions.
I chance my luck and put on Stick Man after Zog has finished and offer him his cookie. ‘HOCOLATE!’ Alfie shouts with glee, and I notice laptop guy smile despite himself. Ha. Knew we’d crack him.
More colouring, a Thomas the Tank Engine magazine and some books pass more time once the cookie has been demolished and we’ve established there isn’t anymore (a hairy moment). But then with about half an hour to go, he gets really restless and I can’t really blame him. He starts jumping up and down in his chair in a way that is guaranteed to annoy everyone around him. But I manage to get him to sit on my lap by letting him watch videos on my phone. Of himself. He gets a lot of joy watching himself dance at my sister’s wedding, but the winner is a video of him helping his dad scrub our dirty picnic blanket. “WET” he proudly proclaims as he watches himself scrub some mud, and we watch it several more times. Whatever works for you kid.
As we’re pulling into Bristol, a guy asks if he can carry something for me. I say I think I’ll be fine and then realise I’m being daft, and he carries the buggy off for me whilst I carry Alfie. All the lifts at Bristol are working, two people smile at Alfie and ask if he’s having fun, one in a broad Bristol accent, the other in a broad Welsh accent.
And then we’ve arrived! We’ve stayed on to Bristol so we can catch up with one of my oldest friends who is waiting for us on the other side of the ticket barrier. We walk to one of Bristol’s city farms; I’d hoped Alfie might nap but Bristol has far too many buses to miss so I give up on that idea. Bristol city farm is so good and free. There’s a café, big sand pit full of tractors and diggers and loads of animals to look at. We see goats, pigs, sheep, cows, rabbits and ducks. Alfie had a great time.
(Side note, my step-dad thought it would be funny to teach Alfie that rabbits roar. You know, like the dragons. So, if you ever see a small child roaring at bunny rabbits, he’s mine.)
My friend Dan is great with kids and manages to make walking back and forth along the same wall around the duck pond somehow hilarious. There is a tantrum when I have to change Alfie’s nappy but I’m so damn relieved he didn’t do a poo on the train journey that I don’t even care. After a very nice few hours, we are back at Bristol station for the final train journey. Of course, Alfie fell asleep on the walk back. The train is a small, local one and is busy and I really should put the buggy down but waking up a toddler who has only been asleep for ten minutes would be horrific for everyone in the vicinity, so I squeeze on with the buggy. I manage to get on at the same spot as a guy with a bike, so we block the whole area and it is not ideal. A man gets on behind me and I say sorry.
“Don’t you apologise,” he says, smiling at a sleeping Alfie.
It’s only 15 minutes back to Bath and when we pull in, the same man offers to help carry the buggy off the train.
“Don’t want to wake him up do we?” he says, cheerfully and I have to resist the urge to hug him as well because I am very tired by this point, and he really is the cherry on top of all these nice people.
24 Jul 2024
Musings On 2.5 Years Of Motherhood
The end of June saw Alfie turn 2 and half years old. Mad to think we will have a 3-year-old come Christmas. I started jotting down a few random thoughts on things I have learned in the last two and a half years in the notes app on my phone, not with any intention of sharing. But then it grew and spilled out and I thought, ah sod it, let’s share.
Stay-at-home parenting (which is done predominantly by mums) should be recognised as work. Unpaid work admittedly but that, in my opinion, is all the more reason to recognise it. Full time stay-at-home parents are friggin’ superheroes. I am a stay-at-home mum two days a week and it is by far the hardest job I have ever had. All jobs are different, I fully recognise that, but my working days are a peaceful delight in comparison to my solo parenting days. I get a lunch break, don’t have to concentrate on keeping someone alive and my boss doesn’t insist on coming to the bathroom with me and handing me toilet paper whilst shouting “BYE WEE!”.
Plenty of people warned me that I may struggle with a different body shape post-birth. Absolutely no one warned me how, 2.5 years after giving birth, I’d look in the mirror and see stupid tufts of hair sticking out the top of my head and want to scream. Post-partum hair regrowth is SO ANNOYING.
I have never felt as low and empty as I did when in the depths of sleep deprivation. It is no joke. That hollow-eyed, milk-soaked time was a wild ride.
Emotional parenting advice is always relevant no matter when someone had their baby. Practical parenting advice from someone who had their children more than five years ago is probably going to be outdated.
Parenting is hard but people will find different stages hard. I know plenty of people who thought the baby stage was great and then wondered what the hell happened when a toddler delinquent was unleased on their household. I personally would take a toddler any day of the week. I get more sleep, don’t have him hanging off my boobs and can leave him with other people. I mean, sure, he is a dictator. But a very funny one. Essentially, no experience is the same. You cannot judge what someone struggles with and what someone doesn’t because your experiences are so different. Babies are the same in that they are babies. Otherwise, their personalities, sleep habits and eating preferences vary just as much as adults.
Solidarity to the other parents whose child will only nap in their buggy. I see you walking up and down the streets, praying they’ll drop off soon so you can leg it home and collapse on the sofa for just a moment.
A supportive, kind NCT group is worth their weight in gold. There is no way I would have survived the first year if I hadn’t been able to go for coffee with a lovely bunch of women who never judged.
I loathe to lean into stereotypes, but in my experience, parents of boys spend a lot more time running. And their house décor is now vehicle-toy-chic. Please encourage them to sit down and do not bring round another sodding toy tractor for the love of god.
The powers that be only putting baby changing facilities in women’s toilets is so irritating and says everything we need to know about where they think the responsibility of parenting lies.
Friendships do change when you have a child and it can be hard to get your head round. You have so much less time, have to balance so much to make it work and your daily lives are dictated by meals, naps and bedtimes. You’re also bloody knackered by 8pm. If friends don’t live nearby, the level of planning involved can feel on the same level as invading another country. All of which can be further complicated by the fact that your life just suddenly feels so different to those of your childfree friends and trying to explain why suggested plans won’t work around the ridiculous palaver that is having a young child can make you feel like you’re being a royal pain in the arse. It’s not impossible to maintain friendships but it’s bloody hard work and not being able to see my friends on the regular is my least favourite thing about parenting.
It is almost guaranteed that at some point, an old lady will tell you to appreciate every moment. Usually in a supermarket. Usually when you are in no mood to be told to appreciate every moment.
If you see a parent in the street shouting/looking at their phone/looking incredibly fed up or just generally not being this 100%-perfect-100%-of-the-time parent we are all expected to be, please, PLEASE challenge your own automatic judgements. You are witnessing a split second in that person’s 24-hour day. You have no idea what that day is looking like, no idea what they are trying to juggle, no idea what pressure they are under. You have no right to judge them. Also, if they’re parenting a toddler, they are probably a great parent and their child is probably being an unreasonable arsehole.
There is a trend online right now that aims to shame parents who don’t have their child’s car seat facing backwards until the child is about 6. I cannot emphasise enough how much this trend infuriates me. I don’t care what anyone’s choice is, but I cannot stand the act of shaming other parents and I am willing to bet a significant amount of money that these smug people have never experienced their toddler screaming in distress for three hours straight or vomiting everywhere due to travel sickness. And to suggest that the parents who have experienced this and made the decision to face their child forward after the legal requirement has ended, care less about their child’s safety than other parents is just not okay.
Everyone is a perfect parent before they actually have children. We would all do well to remember that.
Toddlers are the funniest, most unreasonable, wholesome, infuriating creatures I have ever come across.
Sometimes you have to accept where your thresholds are, even if they are different to how you imagined they’d be. I really thought we would travel so much more with Alfie but 2.5 years in, the idea of locking ourselves in a metal tube in the sky with him still feels about as tempting as sleeping with one of his dirty nappies under my pillow.
If you want a good relationship with someone’s child, be it a friend or family member (I don’t suggest approaching random children in the street and trying to be friends), you have to make the effort. It is highly unlikely that a parent is going to turn you down if you ask to come spend time with their child. But it is not their job to make it happen and they likely won’t want to feel like they are pushing their child upon you. Don’t be overly hesitant, you’re not intruding.
Another online trend I’ve noticed recently – posting a list of ‘parenting non-negotiables’. I recently saw one that included a ‘non-negotiable’ that their child is asleep by 7pm so they have an evening. Same mate, same. Trouble is, my toddler’s ‘non-negotiable’ is that that he goes to sleep at 9pm. No prizes for guessing who is currently winning that argument. If my child has taught me one thing it is that assuming you have control over their sleep patterns is a guaranteed path into madness. A baby or toddler does not understand nor has nature programmed them to sleep through the night or go to bed at a time that suits you. Just because someone else’s child does, does not mean you are doing something wrong. You. Are. Not. Doing. Anything. Wrong. This is the hill I am very much prepared to die on.
It does not matter if you aren’t good at crafts, curdle inside when they start singing at parent groups, don’t make courgette muffins for your child or want to scream when you enter the playground for the eighteenth time that week. This has no reflection on whether you are raising your child well or not.
There are just some things you can’t truly understand until you have experienced it, until you have been knee-deep in the mustard-coloured-poo-covered trenches. And that’s okay.
It is impossible to have a tidy house if you have kids and I refuse to believe otherwise.
It can feel counter-intuitive and society will make you feel like a bad parent, but in order to be good parents, it is VITAL that you have time to yourself and time together as a couple (if you have the means, which I recognise some do not). It is cliché, but you really cannot pour from an empty cup. Your child needs happy, loving parents. You cannot be that if you don’t have some time to yourself or invest any time into your relationship. Take that time, schedule that time; do both unapologetically.
There is no better sound than a small human proper belly laughing.
My child refuses to eat fruit and vegetables. Just in case you need reassurance that it’s not just you.
Having old friends who just happen to have a baby at the same time as you has absolutely no downsides. I’m not saying try and time your pregnancies together but it is so great to know that someone you have been friends with for yonks is right there in it with you.
Dads will be praised for taking care of their child’s basic needs like they have just run a marathon. It is not an achievement for a man to look after his own child and it would be nice if we could up our standards of men.
Young children love repetition and the joy of the small. They really are just as happy running around the park or watching aeroplanes in the sky as they would be on an expensive day out/holiday. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself for the sake of ‘making memories’.
If you have a spare second at any point in your day, write down a nice moment that happened, or something funny your child said, or a memory that you don’t want to forget. You’ll be surprised how each day has at least one special moment. And you will forget them amongst the chaos. All the hard work and tantrums and exhaustion are much easier to remember. You don’t wanna forget how long and perfect their eyelashes were or when they came up you and gave you a toothy, slobbery kiss completely unprompted.
It’s just a phase, it’s just a phase, it’s just a phase.
Wise words from my mum: if you are good parent 80% of the time and a shit parent 20% of the time, you are a good parent. No one is perfect. Chances are you’re a good parent 95% of the time and shit parent 5% of the time. Cut yourself some slack.
The days are long, but the years are short has never been a truer sentence.
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