28 Feb 2025

February Journal | End of Pregnancy Round Two

Writing this during my second week of maternity leave, almost nine months pregnant and with a definite feeling of I’ve nearly made it.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact I have finally recovered from a brutal chest infection that started in the second week of January, or that finishing work has freed up some mental capacity, or that pregnancy hormones have finally decided to give me a break, but I have been more productive in the first week and half of maternity leave than I have been in the last nine months. I no longer need to lie to my midwife when she asks if I have everything sorted for the birth / have packed my hospital bag, baby’s clothes are hung up, I have washed approx. a million towels, filled the freezer with Cook meals, made a banana bread also to freeze, organised Alfie’s new bedroom and I’m not sure the house has ever been this tidy.

Everyone tells you to put your feet up when you start maternity, but I seem to be finally having that second trimester surge of energy people talk about. It’s four months too late but still, it’s giving me a reminder of what it may feel like to no longer be pregnant and I am here for it.

(Wary that some people will find any kind of complaining about pregnancy triggering so if that’s you, please stop reading now. I know I am very lucky to be in this position but I’m also going to be honest below about how I haven’t particularly loved the last few months.)

A lot of people told me it would be the case, but it really is true how your second pregnancy can kind of drift on by without the attention your first had. I have barely taken any bump shots, had to really think about it when someone has asked me how far along I am and have left any prep until the last minute (see above). When I met with my midwife to make a birth plan the first time round, I had a whole list of preferences written down. This time when she asked me what I wanted, I was like ‘errrrr, stay home, push baby out, eat pizza?’. I’ve had a new job and a toddler, there is no time to overthink.

Having said that, I have never not been aware that I’ve been pregnant because it has been a royal pain in my arse. At first, I thought the nausea was better because it wasn’t 24/7 like my first pregnancy, but then it just went on and on and fucking on. I was still gagging on eating an apple or throwing up at the smell of the food bin well into my second trimester. Then there was the iron deficiency and the trial and error of finding a supplement that didn’t make me feel even more nauseous. Then there was the crippling fatigue that had me barely able to function which continued well past 6 months. Then there was the fact that baby stayed solidly in the transverse position until I was nearly full term, prompting lots of 3am worry sessions about early hospital admissions, cord prolapses and c-sections. Then there was the pelvic girdle pain which some days had me struggling to walk up the stairs. Then the sciatic going down one side of my bum (quite literally a pain in the arse). And then, just as I thought I might be feeling a bit more normal, I caught a chest infection that I could not shake off. I know some women have it a lot worse and the most important thing is that I have had a normal pregnancy and healthy baby but good lord, I am over it. When people tell me to ‘enjoy every minute’, I have had to take some serious deep breaths and resist the urge to ask if they would enjoy the fact that their pelvic floor is under considerable strain, but it physically hurts your bones to walk the ten steps to the toilet.

And what is it about pregnancy/parenting that makes people so rude? Did I ask for your opinion? No. Are you going to tell me that you knew I was pregnant over Teams because I am supposedly carrying baby weight around my face? Apparently so. (True story – from a colleague I barely know.) The comments I have had from virtual strangers when I’ve told them I am having a second boy have never not surprised me with their levels of rudeness:

“Ah well never mind.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Well, that’s just as good”

“You can try for a girl next time.”

“Were you disappointed?”

“You must have wanted a girl.”

“You’ll try for a third so you can have a girl.” “I won’t, I don’t want more than two.” “Oh you will.” – that last one being from the nurse who was giving me my flu jab.

Not that it is anyone’s business, but I very much wanted a second boy, and I honestly think there is nothing ruder than suggesting I am in anyway disappointed by my unborn child. Would quite like some kind of prize for having not told any of these people to feck off.

People don’t want you to complain about pregnancy. Even writing the above has made me feel funny, like I should just delete it all and write something about how lucky I am. But this narrative that women should put up and shut up, grow a whole human and a new organ, move their pre-existence organs, expand their ribs, increase their blood flow by 50%, push a human head out of their vagina and act like it’s not happening, not affecting their physical and mental wellbeing is, quite frankly, bullshit. I can’t do it. I can’t pretend it hasn’t got to me at times. I can’t pretend I haven’t felt like a shit mother and partner. Can’t pretend I haven’t felt guilty at how much slack my husband has had to pick up to keep everything ticking along. Can’t pretend I haven’t felt unwell for nine months or that my performance at work hasn’t suffered.

But we are on the home stretch now, and this finally surge of feeling vaguely like myself again is much appreciated. I’ve gone from being desperate to no longer be pregnant to finally able to feel excited to meet my little man. Also, not going to lie, maternity leave without a baby is great. I watched a film in the afternoon the other day. A whole film in the middle of the day, without any interruptions. WHAT A TREAT.

See you on the other side lads.

Twenty Things I’ve Loved Lately

Squeezing in a new bookshelf into our living room. I really am going to have to start adopting a one-in-one-out policy in my personal library but squeezing in a little bit more space postpones that for a short while. Plus, bookshelves make me feel cosy and happy.

This cute little mushroom lamp that I bought for said new bookshelf.

This puttanesca-inspired tuna pasta bake recipe which we’ve made twice now and lasts us two days.

My dad and step-mum popping in for 24 hours.

Catching up with my friend Beth over a delicious flatbread.

The latest series of Unforgotten which we binged over a week.

33 years on the clock. Think I might be an actual grown up now but remains up for debate. Nice to receive birthday flowers, cookies and other goodies from loved ones on a grey Thursday in February.

My favourite ever birthday cake – Nigella’s Guinness cake never disappoints.

The most delicious birthday lunch at MJP @ The Shepherds, such a treat.

£3 bunches of tulips. Plus crocuses and daffodils appearing and blossom buds in the trees. I love how the end of February always gives off little signs that Spring is coming.

We celebrate our wedding anniversary these days, but Valentine’s Day marked 10 years since Gary and I got together. Can’t believe we’ve done a whole decade of life together already.

A lovely meal at Dishoom in Cambridge with my family. I don’t think I have ever had anything bad in a Dishoom, the food is always so good.

Book vouchers for my birthday. Trying to ignore the hole they are burning in my pocket so I can treat myself during mat leave.

A handful of days where the sun shone, and the temperature hit double digits. The difference it made to my mood and how much easier I found parenting was huge. Can’t wait for proper Spring.

Going to the cinema on a weekday afternoon – seriously, not working is great – to see Bridget Jones. Was not expecting to cry four times but there you have it.

Final scan for baby boy and getting to see his little face in 4D and his actual hair on the ultrasound.

Warmer weather meaning Alfie is happy to go to the park again (he refuses point blank when it is cold). Never thought I’d miss the playground but entertainment options for a toddler during the winter is already severely limited, let alone when he refuses to engage with slides and swings.

These small-batch banana chocolate muffins. Great for using up the lone brown banana hanging around on the side.

A tuberose candle from Habitat. Smells divine.

Alfie telling me about his day when we’re tucked up in bed together, just before he falls asleep. My heart cannot cope with the cuteness.

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26 Feb 2025

One Minute Book Reviews: Autumn & Winter Reads

Everything I’ve been reading over the cosy season, let’s dive in shall we?

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

Alex Stern is a high school dropout, trauma survivor and, for reasons unknown, has been able to see ghosts her whole life. When she survives an attempted murder, she is mysteriously offered a place at Yale University and tasked with monitoring the eight houses of the Veil, secret societies that harbour dark magic and power. Anti-hero, dark academia, fantasy-horror – this book pulled me out of a reading rut, and I would highly recommend. 4/5

Hell Bent by Leigh Bardugo

The second in the series and just as good as – if not better than – the first. Hard to give a blurb without giving away spoilers from both books but involves a pretty epic quest to rescue someone from hell. Hope it’s not too long before the next in the series is out. 4/5

Mrs Quinn’s Rise To Fame by Olivia Ford

A woman in her seventies enters what is supposed to be The Great British Bake Off and her life is turned upside down as she becomes a star, threatening to reveal a secret she has kept hidden for over fifty years. This was a sweet read (in more ways than one – if you like baking, you will enjoy all the food descriptions) but I did find that the writing lacked depth in places (it was much stronger in the flashbacks than it was in the scenes set on the show) which meant it didn’t always engage me as much as I wanted it to. 3/5

The Break by Marian Keyes

Seemingly happily married couple Amy and Hugh are thrown into disarray when Hugh announces he wants to take a six-month break from their marriage and go travelling around south-east Asia, leaving Amy to deal with everything back home, including their teenage daughters, her dysfunctional extended family and the gossipers in town. This was my first Marian Keyes book and it’s clear she does characters really well. When I first started reading, I wasn’t entirely convinced the story was going to be entertaining enough to keep me going for the 600+ pages, but it was a bit like watching a dysfunctional family sitcom and was very funny in places. 3.5/5

A Year of Nothing by Emma Gannon

A very small (both in length and physical size) memoir of the author’s year of burnout. This is a wholesome reminder of what is important in life, and to appreciate the little things. I think I was expecting more depth, but it was a pleasant read all the same. 3/5

The Wedding People by Alison Espach

When Phoebe arrives at the Cornwall Inn dressed in a silk green dress, gold heels and without any luggage, she is easily mistaken for one of the wedding people when in fact, she is the only person not here for the lavish week-long event. At rock bottom, she intends to have one final night of luxury. Meanwhile, the high-maintenance bride has accounted for every disaster that could derail her wedding apart from, well, Phoebe. So, it is all the more surprising when the two form an unlikely friendship. One of those novels where the blurb does not do it justice in the slightest. Nuanced, funny, life-affirming, I really loved this. 4.5/5

Orbital by Samantha Harvey

Last year’s Booker Prize winner follows a day in the life of the astronauts living on the international space station. Very little happens but that’s not really the point. With stunning descriptions of the planet below, this small novel contemplates big themes such as what home means, climate change and what humans are without Earth. I think if it was any longer, the lack of plot would lose its charm but at 137 pages, it is a beautiful novel. 4/5

Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros

I think if this series gets you, there is no escaping it which means one minute you’re reading the latest Booker Prize winner and the next you’re reading dragon fantasies with a good dose of pure smut. The third instalment of The Empyrean series and I have no idea if it’s actually good, but it is extremely enjoyable. I know a lot of people are here for the romance (and I’m not saying I’m not) but honestly, I mostly just want my own grumpy dragon at this point. 4/5 (for pure entertainment).

Happy reading folks x

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1 Feb 2025

January Journal | The most January of Januarys

You know those ‘morning routine to set me up for a good day’ vlogs on social media? Fun activity as a parent: compare your morning to theirs and then laugh hysterically. Particularly when your morning started with your child throwing up on you which happened to me twice this month.

January has really been Januarying this year. A three week (and counting) cold from hell which turned into a chest infection, two vomiting incidents (why is it always when you’ve just put fresh sheets on?), pelvic girdle pain, toilet training… basically I have dealt with more bodily fluids in the last three weeks then is reasonably justified. Unless you’ve cleaned up poo off the bathroom floor whilst hacking up blood-stained mucus, you’ve probably had a better month than me lads. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not making any headway with new year’s goals and feeling depressed by the perpetual greyness – IT COULD BE WORSE. I’m not going to even touch on the alarming state of world news this month. I just can’t even go there right now.

That being said, I thought I was going to have to work really hard for things I’ve loved lately (below) but it is surprising the small joys you can find even when you feel a bit bleak. As woo-woo as it sounds, I am always going to be an advocate for taking a moment to find the small joys.

Twenty things I’ve loved lately

Visiting the Van Gogh exhibition at The National Gallery in London. Not normally an art person but there is something particularly beautiful about his paintings.

A gorgeous meal at Tofu Vegan with my family for my mum’s birthday. We sat chatting all afternoon and those wontons were so good.

Walking through the countryside on a bright, extremely frosty day. The countryside where we live is so flat, but I find such beauty in it.

A Gail’s opening in our town. God help my bank balance having such easy access to those cinnamon buns.

Julius Robert’s super green pasta. Easy, delicious, great way to fill us all (including my vegetable-resistant toddler) with the good stuff.

The bbhugme pregnancy pillow. It was an investment, but I have never been more grateful when I was using it to prop me up at night when it was impossible to lie down without coughing up a kidney (also very good when used for its primary purpose as well).

A bright orange citrus cake; a pop of sunshine in this never-ending grey.

Alfie brushing my hair for me. I may be ill but at least he’s not letting standards drop.

Good quality hot chocolate. Always restorative.

Viewing a house for my sister and brother-in-law in our area. Buzzing to potentially have them living nearby.

My husband picking up so much of the slack as I waddle about coughing, groaning, moaning. Give the man a medal for his never-ending patience.

Alfie rubbing my belly absent-mindedly as he watches Thomas the tank engine. He keeps poking my belly button and telling his sibling to come out. If only it was that easy eh?

This sausage bean recipe by Ella Risbridger. Very tasty.

Lockerbie with Colin Firth. Haunting but a very good piece of telly; would recommend.

Leaving the fairy lights strewn across our kitchen ceiling exactly where they are. Went up for Christmas, staying for the cosy vibes.

Onyx Storm. Perfect reading material when you can’t sleep because your nose is entirely blocked, and your chest is crackling in a slightly alarming fashion.

Fantasising about all the colourful clothes I am going to wear once I no longer look like a beachball.

Owning a slow cooker. A truly excellent Christmas present.

Making a list of all the books coming out this year that I am excited to read.

Snowdrops emerging. SPRING IS COMING.