What the hell is that?

26 Jul 2015

"What the hell is that?!"

It's half ten at night on a Tuesday and I'm just thinking about going to bed. Curious, I wander into the living room where my sister, C, and her best friend, T, are settling down for the night with a cheap bottle of vodka... oh to be 19 again.

"What the hell is what?" I ask.

They're both leaning over and staring at the gap between the sofa and the wall, with mildly horrified expressions. I join them, trying to get a better look at whatever it is they're looking at. My horrified expression mirrors theirs.

"What the... What is that?!"

"It's massive!"

"It's like a beetle but bigger and... less-beetle-like."

"I'm going to get a glass," C says.

"And paper?" I ask, keeping one eye trained on the enormous beetle-like-thing.

"No, just a glass. We can deal with it in the morning."

"What, are you kidding?" I say, "hoover the thing up!"

"You hoover it up!"

"Excuse me, I have work in the morning and am going to bed. This is your problem."

"Then I'm getting a glass."

And she heads to the kitchen.

I shake my head. "Fine, have a good night."

I'm just out the living room when I hear T shout.

"Oh my god, is that a spider?!"

I laugh slightly and turn back. "I think we've established that it's definitely some kind of beetle.... Oh, no, shit that's a spider!"

"C, there's also a spider!" T shouts.

It's like bloody grand central BUG station round here. Or whatever the phrase is.

C's back with two glasses.

"You're definitely going to need the hoover now." I say as I put considerable distance between myself and the spider.

"It'll be fine," she says, placing the glasses on top of each bug and jumping back quickly.

"Don't be ridiculous," I say, now pressing myself against the living room wall. "You can't just sit surrounded by a load of bugs under glasses."

Creepiest art feature ever.

"Yeah, I reckon we should hoover them," T joins me by the wall.

"But, if you hoover them up, the spiders just crawl back out."

There's a pause where both T and I stare at her.

"Where on earth did you hear that?" I ask, incredulously.

"A friend told me."

"Oh don't be ridiculous," I say, half laughing and half panicking. That's not true... right?? "Have you ever seen a spider just casually popping back out of the hoover like 'hey guys, just kidding!'"

And I leave the room to go get the hoover.

"Here you go," I say to my sister a moment later.

C looks at me and folds her arms. "Er, why do I have to do it?!"

"Because, you're less scared of spiders than me and T are..."

"And," pipes in T, "we both have to go to work tomorrow and you don't sooooo...."

"Excellent point," I say, joining her back by the wall.

"Oh screw you guys," mutters C whilst attempting to pull the extension tube out the hoover.

"What are you doing?" I ask. "Don't use that, just do it normally!"

"I want to do it with the tube! It's better and..." She pauses and looks down at our new hoover. "How the hell does this thing work?"

"Oh for crying out loud!" I cry, marching over.

It was time for executive action.

"You pick the glasses up and I'll hoover them," I order her in a military like style. She nods and positions herself by our new creepy art feature as I turn the hoover on. The sound heightens the tension.

"One... two.... three!"

She lifts and I push the hoover across before the spider or bug have time to think. Soz guys.

It's over in a second.

"Right," I say, turning the hoover off, "I'm going to bed. You can put the hoover away."

I get to the top of the stairs before...

"Holy shit, the bug survived!!"

I call down. "Is the spider still gone?"

"Yeah," they call back, "But the bug is definitely still here. How the hell did it survive that?!"

"Have a good night!"

I close my bedroom door firmly behind me.


  1. And five days later the parents come home to find an array of upturned glasses each displaying its own huge insect. Don't tell the girls - we released them into the wilds of their bedrooms.