A Grumpy Gal's Guide To Surviving A Heatwave

It's currently 34 degrees celsius and yup, I’m that person. IT’S TOO EFFING HOT.

I literally cannot focus, get comfortable or sleep in this weather and the more it goes on, the more of a grumpy cow I become. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike summer, I would just rather the temperature didn’t nudge over 25c whilst I’m in a country where the houses are designed to RETAIN heat, have to go to work, and there’s no pool to jump into every five mins.

With the temperature still creeping up, the lack of sea breeze (note to self: move to the seaside) and Argos having sold out of fans, it's extremely tempting to just go set up camp in the freezer...

For the oven that is your flat/house
Quite frankly, I’d probs give my right arm for a garden and paddling pool right now. But, alas, I have a small flat squashed between other flats and sitting over a cafe. Refreshing no? SO. Have all windows open and the blinds down/curtains drawn to keep that pesky sun at bay and hopefully create some kind of air circulation. Fill up every ice tray you own for a constant supply of cool drinks. Take cold showers for obvious reasons. Empty the bins basically every day to prevent that delightful smell of boiled garbage circulating the place.

For the commute
I’d say work at home but sometimes a) it's not possible and b) the air conditioned office is more appealing then becoming an oven-baked walkers crisp in your flat. Either way, there ain’t no denying that commuter trains are basically the worst place in existence during heatwaves in the UK. They're simply not designed for this shit and it's surprising how many don't have air con (SWEET JESUS WHY). You'll need a full bottle of water, something to fan yourself with, probs a change of clothes and hopes&prayers to make it to the other side.

For attempting sleep
If, like me, you’re someone who can’t sleep with nothing over them, then chuck the quilt and just go with the quilt cover. Change the sheet every couple of days cos mmmm sweat. Scoot as far away from your other half as possible (love ya babe but you're producing body heat...) Windows and bedroom door wiiiiiide open (if poss). Earplugs on hand for when the bloody birds start squawking at 5am. Fuckers.

For food/drink
Don’t fuck about now. WATER WATER WATER. Probs should just eat nothing but ice cream and/or milkshakes. Maybe a cheeky fruit cider if ya gonna rebel against the NOTHING BUT WATER warnings. You daredevil you.

For clothing
As light and 'breathable' as flippin’ possible. Carry plenty of plasters for the inevitable sandal/sweat rubbing scenario. No or minimal make up cos let’s face it, that shit will just melt off your face. Burt’s Bee’s lip balm is so the one for those dry lips.

For the thigh rub
URGH. I’ve heard good things about roll on deodorant but I swear by Lush’s ‘silky underwear’ dusting powder (here). Feel those thighs gliiiiide girl.

Update: have recently discovered Bandelettes. You can thank me later. 

For the heat-loving folk
Because they’re there. Telling you not to be grumpy. Outraged at your dislike for the heat. Assuming hating the heat means you must hate everything to do with the summer months. Uh huh, sure pal. That’s what I said. Basically, avoid them like the plague. Potentially steal their ice cream.

For day-to-day life
Accept very little is gonna get done and then don’t bother to attempt it. Sure, you do still have to go to work if you want to continue being paid, but your hoovering can bloody wait Margaret. Stalk the weather forecast and count down until the moment the temp drops to a healthy 24c and you can resume your life.

Good luck...