I should probably say from the outset that I do not mean those kind of fantasies. Sorry if that's why you clicked on this post...
Anyway.
Everyone has a fantasy, and everyone’s fantasy varies dramatically. Some people fantasise about that pair of shoes they cannot afford. Some people fantasise about Benedict Cumberbatch. Some people fantasise about having more money. About their wedding. Better sex. Different sex. To play football professionally. To be prettier (sadly). Thinner (sadly). To own a snazzy car. To have a better job.
(We should note that some people fantasise about being safe or having clean water so, if we are lucky enough, we can fantasise about the trivial above.)
Me? I fantasise about being able to write (that and Benedict Cumberbatch obvs).
Because I have always wanted to write. From approx the age of five; so basically as long as I can remember.
It’s only since leaving university that I’ve truly processed how much the need to write is there.
Because since graduating, the luxury of time has been taken away and adulting put there in its place. And when deprived of the time to write, I suddenly realised how much I wanted to do it and how I’d taken it for granted most of my life.
I have a lot of friends who know what they want, who studied accordingly at university and are now on their career path, with a sense of direction. And I make that sound easy but those guys have worked really bloody hard and I couldn’t be more proud of them or pleased for them. Yet I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t felt some envy in the last couple of years. I’m not jealous of them or their lives, but I have envied the fact that they know what they want. That they have a plan.
When I haven’t even got a ‘pla’*
I think I will always envy those who came out of university knowing what they want. Knowing what you want makes life easier. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to work as hard or face as many obstacles or that you’re guaranteed success. But it does give you a smidge of a head start. Cos the rest of us have gotta float; restless, unsure and confused. Goddamn it, it would have been so much easier to walk out of university knowing what I wanted to do next. A plan would have been all sorts of dreamy.
I did kinda try to build a career in writing. I did writing internships and worked as a writer in business for a disastrous six months. And I learned that if I was ever going to get to a point where I write things that I enjoy and earn money from, I would have to a) work freelance or b) spend many, many years writing shit for other people. Because, if you want to write, the non-novelist, non-journalist career involves writing what other people want you to write. You can work as a copywriter and write adverts or tender documents and all the other million and one things people require to be written every day (if you don’t believe this, take a look and just consider the amount of written words in the world around you. How they are used to make you buy stuff impact you). The problem is, the only person I want to write for is myself. Selfish I know. And when you write full time, in an office, all you do is write for other people. And your love drains away drip by drip. Cos no one wants to go home and carry on working do they?
What it’s taken me a while to realise is that, actually, I do know what I want. I know I want to write. It’s just it’s pretty hard to build a career path or plan with that and that’s why I’ve felt so flippin’ confused for a long time. I still don’t even have a ‘pla’ but I probs do know what I want to do.
Cos you gotta do what ya love right? (Yeah it's true but, yeah, I did also throw up a lil bit when writing that).
*Honestly, you should know by now that I like to throw Friends references into all aspect of my life.
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