Why I’m bored with pretending to be a twenty-something commitment phobe who is afraid of getting old


The title of this post doesn't really imply that any kind of thought and structure has gone into this blog post. And it hasn't. Soz.

I just ate a whole bag of magic stars (one of the big ones cos the small bags only give you about five i.e. one mouthful and that is not enough magical chocolate stars in a girl’s life) and fancied a bit of a ramble about some of the feels I've been having in recent months. And then I’m gonna post it online because that is kinda the point of having a blog.

Don’t know whether any of you have experienced this, but in the past couple of years I've noticed that there’s a definite split down my facebook timeline (urgh facebook; why do you somehow manage to persuade us to keep coming back and look at your boringness? Clue: cat videos) of people who either went down the student/graduate/job/live-in-some-city-somewhere route or those who decided to go down the straight into work after school, get married and have kids route.

Now we all know it is nowhere near as flippin simple as that but I’m going to generalise here because I’m basically chatting shit to myself and you all get my drift anyhoo. Either route is fine, many times they overlap and there are several other routes anyway. But let’s say there aren’t and it was really that black and white.  I would have to put myself in the first category and there’s definitely been a bit of a push as to how I’m supposed to feel about the other route.

Once upon a time, not that long ago really when you think about it, it was considered socially unacceptable for a woman to still be single or un-married by her mid-twenties. We have all read Jane Austen (haven’t we? Isn't Jane Austen a right of passage us gals have to go through? No? Who da fuq are you?!), drooled over Colin Firth (yeah that’s the TV show but don’t pretend you don’t imagine Mr Darcy as Colin Firth when you’re reading the book. In the wet shirt.) and laughed at the idea of Mrs Bennet stressing over her daughters not being married (the youngest is 15 but whatever).

But these days, getting married or having children young; you’re basically a cretin. We all have to (apparently) physically baulk at the idea of having kids now as though it’s basically a disgusting concept (despite the fact that, in our twenties, our ovaries are at prime LET’S MAKE BABIES time). Long term relationships, marriage and, heaven forbid, babies are all something we should absolutely not be focusing on. Nuh uh. It’s all about flirting, casual flings, growing that career, wiiiiiiine and fun. Because you’re only young once and we’re all installed with this fear of getting older and becoming ‘boring’. Because old people can’t have fun. Obvs.

The older I’ve got (and I do concede that at the age of 24, I’m hardly pushing death’s door), the more confident I have become in myself. I’m happy with who I am, I have the confidence and independence to wear my style of clothes and proudly shout about my interests (I CAN RECITE THE PROLOGUE TO ROMEO&JULIET OFF BY HEART BITCHESSS) without feeling the need to say ‘nerd’ afterwards. I’m only friends with people I genuinely love, I say no to things I don’t actually enjoy (yay to no longer pretending I enjoy theme parks or drinking Sambuca *voms at memories*) and I no longer give a shit if people think I’m weird (yeah, and what of it?). All those teenage-like insecurities are out the window and man it feels good. I have more fun (way more fun), am happier and more content now than I ever was when I was a teenager.

Getting older did that.

Remind me why we don’t want to do it again?

Last month, my boyfriend and I hit the one year mark. I am officially in a long term relationship. Oh and we’re planning on moving in together. Oh my gaaaaawd.

The thing that stresses me out the most about the situation? Moving out means I’m going to have to clear out the bedroom I’ve had since I was 15 and the thought of what might be hiding at the back of my wardrobe after 9 years gives me chills. There will be a day soon where I will have to tool up, dive in and fight through the nest of spiders, my alarmingly pink prom dress, shoes I am no longer capable of wearing, and probably the white witch of Narnia in order to leave the place clean (jeez mum, you’re SO unreasonable).

But the whole living with a boy, taking a big step in our relationship and basically saying I like you enough to see you everyday thing? I’m chilled. I’m happy. I’m cushion shopping.

Relationship perceptions:

Being single is fun and free. But you’re also a sad singleton who hasn’t had sex in TWENTY FIVE YEARS.

Finding someone is the goal. But it makes you boring and ahhh I am too young to settle down. HOW CAN YOU EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE? YOU’RE TOO YOUNG YOU IMBECILE.

The goal seems to be to have another half. But not to be 100% committed to said other half. Great to have a boyfriend and be in a loving, trustful relationship and omg you guys are SO CUTE (*does little sick in mouth*) but when it comes to moving it on to the next step... people seem to freak out. It’s like people want the first year of a relationship and then don’t want it to move any further. I sense that it’s not the committed relationship as such, more that said committed relationship may lead to marriage and babies and people are soooooo not ready for that.

And they tell you about it.

A lot.

I get it; it scares you. It’s scared us all at some point or other. Because, well, change freaks everyone out once in a while.

But, let’s face it, your twenties ARE scary.

But I’m really getting bored of pretending it’s all something I don’t want. Okay, there’s the shit bits. Like the housing crisis is fucking us all over so we’ll probs have to live with the rents forever and they told us we had to do GCSEs and A levels and go to uni and then we came out and it was all like ‘lol you don’t have any experience, wanna do this internship FOR FREE’ and then you did the internship and it was like ‘lol she only has an internship, give her the job but pay her £3 an hour, she can totally live off that in central London’ and you have to pay tax and have a savings account and you don’t know who you are and what the hell you’re doing with your life and urgh.

It’s all pretty darn stressful.  And scary. Did I mention scary?

But, you know that philosophy people have; do something that scares you every day? Well, that’s for this situation.

It’s scary. But, hell, it’s also REALLY FREAKIN EXCITING.

Every day, every single bloody day, I worry about all the things listed above but I also get so excited about all the incredible possibilities out there. My brain feels like it’s throwing out ideas at 150mph. I have so many things I want to try, so many amazing memories to learn from and so many ways to shape myself into the person I want to be.

And here’s a controversial revelation: one day, I DO want a baby and all of those things that come with it.

At some point.

Probably.

Yeah, it alarms me. Someone entrusting me with someone else’s life? Um, what now? Sometimes I struggle to dress myself, let alone another mini human. And I have been a bitch to my mum in the past, what if my cute little baby does the same to me when they’re a teenager? Kinda like your cat suddenly getting a bit older and deciding it hates you now. LOVE ME YOU FLUFFY FOOL.

I am not emotionally equipped for this.

But, you know, I don’t want a baby or marriage or mortgage or any of that malarkey right this second. And I assume when it does happen, it’ll be because I am ready and that won’t be some big YEAH LET’S DO THIS moment;it’ll just naturally happen. And, guys, THAT’S OKAY. It’s okay to not be ready for any of that stuff just yet. But you don’t need to go on about it every five minutes, be cruel to someone who likes you because you’re having a freak out or be a bitch to your best friend because she seems weirdly chilled about the situation.

Stop putting your energy into claiming you’re omg so old (no you’re not. You’re 24. Older than you were yesterday, still younger than your granny) and judging those gals you went to school with who have two kids already and immediately having to claim that your friend is ‘so grown up’ just because she’s done something that you’re not quite ready for.

Stop stressing. Put your energy into enjoying every single aspect of life instead.

It’s okay to be ready right now. And it’s okay to not be. Enjoy life now and enjoy those “adult” things when they come around; whether that’s tomorrow or in ten years time. Enjoy it all because it’s ALL exciting. Everything will naturally come around in their own damn sweet time, and that’s fine by me.

And that’s where this little ramble ends. I haven’t bothered to edit this post because one of the great things about blogging is you can just throw down a load of random thoughts and hope that maybe they might be coherent enough for someone else to be like omg totally feel ya sista. But if not, I got the thoughts out. Which is the whole point for me.

Plus, haven’t got time to edit. Out of magic stars and getting withdrawal symptoms.

*runs to shops in pjs with unbrushed hair*

Kay, bye.

3 comments

  1. Clicked through from your share on FB. Love your writing! It's hilarious!

    I am one of the people who is freaked out by marriage though... because (stay with me here) I can't really fathom how marriage can really work... as in, on your wedding day you promise to stay and grow with that person for years (the rest of your life!) and change IN PARALLEL with the changes they make, and not change your mind about the commitment... for the REST OF YOUR LIFE??!

    Perhaps because I'm in my 20's I'm just changing too much from week to week to even imagine a time when I'm not changing so much... I dunno.

    Maybe I'm naive or just don't get it. I'm cool with that though haha.

    Great post :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!!

      I completely understand, how on earth are we supposed to know if we'll feel the same way/be the same person ten years down the line? I guess it's about finding someone that's worth that risk, that you think you'll be able to change with? Maybe it's something that becomes clearer when you stop feeling like you're changing every two minutes!

      Thanks for commenting; always great to know someone has enjoyed your crazy ramblings!

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  2. I wish I had been scared of those things 😦

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