25 Feb 2022
T'was The Night Before Christmas...
Yup, it’s Christmas Eve and I’m in labour. After a long, long time of saying that I did not mind when I had a baby as long as it wasn’t Christmas Day, I woke up on Christmas Eve morning, 11 days past my ‘due’ date, with mild period-like pains and the settling realisation that of course today would be the day it would start.
My third trimester of pregnancy was pretty uneventful. The heartburn and incessant weeing continued in full force, the pregnancy hormones caused some delightful excessive salvia and snoring in the final couple of weeks (has anyone ever mentioned how glamorous pregnancy is…?) and unsolicited advice from random people began to rear its head but on the whole, it was definitely the trimester I enjoyed the most. I felt like I was more into the swing of the whole experience, I enjoyed my bump and all those gorgeous kicks and felt like I was appreciating those final few weeks just the two of us (despite the swollen ankles and fingers causing my shoes and wedding rings to regularly get stuck…). I never expected baby to arrive on my supposed due date so felt pretty casual about it all when the day came and went but I soon learnt why some people choose to keep this date secret from others. Just a heads up if you have a pregnant friend right now who has gone past that somewhat-unlikely ‘due’ date, she’s already dealing with being heavily pregnant, stressful induction conversations with healthcare professionals and an abundance of ‘any news’ type messages. Don’t add to the stress. She is not going to forget to tell you that she birthed a baby. Seriously, it’s really not something you neglect to mention.
Anyway, yes, Christmas Eve. I spent most of the day having period-like pains which weren’t exactly enjoyable but neither would I describe them as painful as such. I had a shower, lunch, a mosey around M&S for snacks I would never eat and watched a couple of Disney films (can’t believe I’d never seen Brave before) whilst chilling on the sofa and bouncing on the birth ball. Seeing no need to ruin Christmas plans until absolutely necessary, we headed over to my mum’s house in the evening for our traditional Christmas Eve picnic and Love Actually viewing. I continued bouncing on the ball whilst examining the presents under the tree (I am a child at Christmas) and my family all placed bets on what time baby would be born the next day (no one called it correctly although my mum wasn’t far off… mind you, she did used to be a midwife so you could claim she had an unfair advantage). I continued to do some bouncing, which then turned into swaying but it was only when the food was brought out and I realised that I didn’t want to eat any of it that I knew shit was about to get real. Me turn down food? Uh oh.
I think this was about half 6 in the evening and whilst the rest of the gang all stuffed their faces, my mum and I began pacing up and down the hallway whilst she was timing my contractions on her watch. Apart from throwing up the one bite of food I had attempted, this was relatively chill. I listened to Love Actually, refused to stop hugging a particular wall at one point and got to enjoy the benefits of Gary giving me non-stop back massages. There came a point where I decided I wanted to be at home so, after face planting the stairs for a while (dunno how I ended up there but gotta do what you gotta do), my mum and step-dad eventually got me in the car and drove us back. It’s a five-minute journey but it’s true what they say about how moving out of a calm location can slow things down; my contractions definitely paused for a few minutes when we got in the car.
When we made it to ours, I insisted that we only had the Christmas tree lights on and then draped myself across the sofa in a dramatic fashion. Things were really ramping up now and starting to get a little hazy for me but I remember my mum phoning my midwife and the birth centre, Gary giving my step-dad instructions about what needed putting in the car and my mum listening to baby’s heartbeat. At some point, my mum very gently suggested we needed to go and I insisted on going to the loo and changing into pyjamas which I did slower than the pace of a sloth whilst regularly pausing to grab the nearest wall and make strange mooing noises. I think it was probably obvious to everyone but me that we needed to get to the hospital now but I was physically incapable of moving any faster. It’s a forty-minute drive to our hospital but we knocked off a good ten minutes what with it being Christmas Eve and all. I can vaguely remember momentarily being aware of my surroundings and thinking how bloody surreal it was that I was on my knees in the back seat of a car that was speeding along a dark motorway in the pouring rain. Funnily enough, that is not normally how I spend Christmas Eve.
The hour after arriving at the hospital is something I’m still processing and deciding how I feel about. In hindsight, I would have probably been better staying at home which frustrates me at times. I didn’t find being in hospital a relaxing environment at all. I don’t doubt that it’s a very good hospital but there was an unlucky culmination of things - from the passive aggressive security guard unnecessarily reminding us of covid rules, an orderly trying to get me to sit in a wheelchair when I was physically incapable of doing so and a midwife who seemingly failed to grasp how far along I was in my labour – that caused me to get pretty stressed which in turn, caused baby to get stressed. We ended up being rushed from the birth centre upstairs to the delivery unit because of a dipping heart rate and meconium-stained waters. The emergency buzzer ended up being pulled and I came very close to having an episiotomy and forceps. Luckily, I pushed him out just before they could inject me. It’s hard to know what might have happened regardless as some of these things aren’t uncommon for quick births but I have a strong sense that a lot of the drama would have been avoided if I’d never left my sofa (incidentally, given that he made his grand entrance just over an hour after we got there, I have been strongly advised to have a home birth should we decide to go for a next time. The implication was very much ‘not sure you’d have made it if it was your second’ and no one wants to give birth on the side of the M11 do they?).
I did a hypnobirthing course during pregnancy and I found the breathing exercises and information on what happens to our bodies to be useful during labour. It helped me feel calm and informed pre-birth, and was based in both science and logic which really appealed to us both. What it didn’t prepare either of us for is the stress healthcare professionals can unintentionally cause or a fast labour where there was literally no time to grasp what was going on, let alone think things through and make an informed decision. Now able to look at preparing for childbirth from the other side, it feels to me like we almost have two extremes. Birth horror stories/portrayals told with far too much relish that (unintentionally or not) terrify women and a positive birthing movement that perhaps doesn’t always get across the realities of childbirth and of an understaffed and underfunded NHS, both of which are out of our control no matter how well we prepare. I personally would like to see more of a middle ground. Terrifying women is damaging, but so is telling them everything will be purely positive.
I’m lucky enough to live in an area where they do continuity of care which meant I had the same midwife throughout my whole pregnancy and I was even more lucky that she was on call on Christmas Eve. I was so relieved when she elbowed her way into the delivery room; not only was she a familiar face but she actually took the time to properly speak to me and it meant she was the one who caught baby boy which I loved. He came out making such a racket that the paediatrician and bloke-with-resuscitation-machine that had been called in when the emergency buzzer was pulled immediately vacated the room without so much as a hello or goodbye (I literally didn’t know they’d been there until Gary told me later). It had all been so fast that I was genuinely surprised when a baby was plonked on my chest and immediately dug his fingernails into my boob. One of my favourite moments is my midwife excitedly going KATE IT’S STILL CHRISTMAS EVE after 9 months of listening to me saying any day but Christmas day. He left it to the last possible moment (we’re talking minutes) but is in fact, our little Christmas Eve baby.
He was put in a red hat which I, in my slightly delirious state, thought was Christmassy but was actually because he needed extra monitoring. However, the hospital gives little gifts to Christmas babies and so whilst he was having his first feed, I unwrapped a present that included a Christmas pudding hat and putting it on his little head may be the cutest thing I have ever seen. He had very dark hair and dark eyes so we thought my genes had won out but he has since turned into the absolute spitting image of his dad. Bloody cheek of it. You don’t need me to share pictures – imagine Gary’s mini-me and you’ve got it.
I finally got acquainted with some pain relief whilst I had stiches and then after a very long feed, bubba was weighed and Gary put his first nappy on. Also, it’s true what they say: the crap white-sliced-bread toast they bring you after birth really does taste like the best toast you’ve ever had. We were able to go back down to the birthing centre which meant we could have a room with a double bed – a dream. They suggested we tried to go to sleep but the idea of sleeping with that much adrenaline in me – my legs were physically shaking for a good couple of hours – and a brand-new baby sat next to me (IS HE BREATHING) was laughable. We had to be kept in for 12 hours for observation but it ended up being closer to 18 because it took what felt like an age for someone to come and discharge us. Weirdest Christmas Day of my life.
When we finally escaped, we ended up back at my mum’s at roughly the same time we’d arrived the night before just to complete the whole experience. My sister & her partner were waiting for us in the doorway grinning like Cheshire cats and Christmas dinner was in the oven.
12 Feb 2022
New Year, New Baby
Sitting down to write a blog post feels like something from
another lifetime right now and yet wow yes, hello, this is a comforting
familiarity. Except of course, I’m not ‘sitting down’ to type at my laptop as
usual; it’s 4am and I’m typing one-handed in the notes on my phone. The other
hand is trapped under a sleeping baby who is stretched out across my belly like
a purring cat. Am currently debating whether I risk trying to move him back to
his cot before circulation in my left arm is cut off completely. I feel life
with a baby would be even more challenging if I lost an arm but equally… he’s
asleep. Priorities ya know?
So yes, had a baby. I know. Feels bloody wild.
Our little munchkin made his grand entrance over the
Christmas period and since then we have been consumed by the emotional
rollercoaster that is life with a newborn baby. We’re trying to minimise his face appearing on the
internet for the time being so you will just have to take my
word for it when I say that is he is very, very cute (not that I’m biased in
the slightest…). You know me and my incessant need to document everything so no
doubt there will be further blog posts about the remainder of my pregnancy, a
very memorable Christmas and these intense newborn days but for my first blog
post of the year, we’ve got a bit of looking back / ahead to be doing. Quite
frankly, I feel off kilter if I don’t do this at the start of each year (ignore
the fact it’s February - everything takes longer to do right now).
It still blows my mind that in 2021 I grew an entire human
so it surprises me that I don’t feel like I have much to say about last year.
Whilst it was ultimately life changing for us, by the time lockdown had lifted
and I’d emerged out of the fog that was the first part of pregnancy, half the
year was already over. Aside from growing a baby, my parents moving to be near
us was a massive highlight, as was getting a proper holiday and renovating our
garden. But one of the main things to stand out was the slow return of all
those little days of joy that we lost during lockdown; weddings and weekends,
beach trips and date nights, cafes and bookshops. I hope all these things are here
to stay and we no longer have to live with the anxiety of uncertainty.
We are still adjusting to what life looks like with a baby
so currently don’t have grand plans for 2022 but here’s five things I’m looking
forward to this year:
Good health - it’s still a novelty to not have chronic
heartburn, to not have to wee every five minutes and to be out of the worst of
the post-birth recovery phase. I feel lighter when moving. Admittedly my
strength is at an all time low what with that post-birth core and several weeks
of mostly being sofa-bound under a feeding baby but I’m hoping that once we
start getting into more of a rhythm, I can start fitting some pilates and
longer walks into the day.
Feeling a bit more myself - can’t tell you how much I’m
enjoying no longer being in maternity leggings! After two years of lockdowns
and pregnancy, you could say I have felt discombobulated with my own body and
how to dress it. Whilst I am going to do a bit of shopping because suddenly
everything needs to be breastfeeding-friendly, I also want to put a conscious
effort into shopping my own wardrobe. I’m hoping I’ll slowly get back into
feeling myself, or at least this new version of myself.
To watch bubba grow - he literally changes everyday and it’s
going to be mind-blowing how much he will have changed by the end of the year.
These first few weeks have been tough but I’m always trying to remember that he
will never be this little again and enjoy the everyday joys. I can’t wait for the
milestones, the firsts and watching him meet the world.
Creative moments - it’s only in hindsight that I realise how
much my creativity was dampened during pregnancy. I’m not sure if it was the
huge physical or hormonal changes but things just weren’t sparking in the same
way. Since having the little one, despite the huge adjustment, sleep
deprivation, birth recovery etc, I feel like the desire to do all the things
that make my heart sing has stopped dozing and started stretching its legs. I’m
looking forward to the reading, writing, baking & photographing that I can
squeeze in during feeds, nap times and whenever else I get a moment!
To enjoy a gentle maternity leave - I’m lucky to have the
whole year off work and I’m determined to make the most of it in a gentle
fashion. To enjoy our first year as a family of three. I’m excited to finally
have the time and freedom to get well acquainted with the area we moved to two
years ago. Thanks to a generous gift from my parents, we are now National Trust
members so we are hoping to start making the most of that shortly. I’m looking
forward to time with loved ones, celebrating my 30th, days spent on the beach,
in the garden and pottering around town, day trips, perhaps our first family
holiday and plenty of little joyous day-to-day moments in this unique year.
Hope 2022 is treating you well dear reader.
8 Dec 2021
Recent Happy Things | Autumn & Festive Edition
Currently on the sofa nursing a roast dinner food baby (alongside an actual human baby) with a Christmas tree twinkling in the background and a Yankee Christmas cookie candle burning next to me. Truly content with this set-up. It's been a busy few months prepping for baby, prepping to finish work, trying to squeeze as much out of my favourite time of year and trying not to freak out about becoming first-time parents in the very near future. Everything is a combination of excitement and WHOA on an almost-daily basis right now, and yet I also feel weirdly calm? All the emotions.
But anyway, here’s some of the magic stuff from the last couple of months:
Autumnal scenes. Oh how those golden views and crunchy leaves under foot make my heart happy.
Chocolate scones. Recently discovered that one of our local cafes does rich, warm, chocolatey scones with clotted cream and they are so good.
Long overdue catch-up with my friend Susie. We met in such a cute pub, face-planted a baked camembert and debriefed the last two years. It was a joy.
A final trip up north before bubba arrives. I managed to time it just as the weather was getting colder and the cats were curling up in front of the fire; is there anything cosier?
The Netflix fire. Sadly, our house is not set-up for a real fire, or even a fake fire, so the next best thing is the Netflix fire on the telly and yes, okay, there is no heat but the crackling sounds and the flickering flames are still really very cosy.
Taylor’s Red album. Those tracks from the vault though! Never have I been more indignant about a gal being stood up on her birthday (if you know, you know…).
A visit from my gal Beth and her baby boy who is less of a baby these days and more of a sassy toddler who has absolutely no fear of enormous slides. On a side note, toddlers are excellent when heavily pregnant because you can walk at their pace and no one need know this is the pace you now actually walk at.
Sparkly winter wedding in the Cotswolds. Bonfire night weekend, the gorgeous Cotswolds, catching up with old friends, incredible food, SPARKLERS and witnessing some of the best people getting married. What joy.
My sister came to stay and wandering around autumnal fields & eating Indian food with her and the fam the same weekend I finished work felt like a mini celebration.
Date night. To celebrate me finishing for maternity leave, Gary and I went for a little date night at a local Italian where there was great mocktails and a cookie-dough themed pudding. The staff were also super lovely and chatty about our bubba, including one woman who said she could guess the sex based on the shape of my bump. I don’t really buy into that kinda thing but in fairness, she was correct!
Christmas market. This came to Ely at the end of November and I really was in my element with the sparkly lights, Christmas music, bratwurst and sugar-covered churros. So festive.
I’m a celebrity. Starting the day with trash telly on the sofa has felt like the ultimate indulgence whilst on maternity leave and I’m really here for it.
Putting the Christmas tree up. I used our imminent arrival as a way to persuade Gary to put our tree up early this year and I cannot tell you how happy a twinkling tree in the living room makes me. I’m convinced the room is made at Christmas time.
Tony’s chocolonely advent calendar. I think I might have bought this back in October because the moment I saw that my favourite chocolate company had made a huge advent calendar, I knew I had to get my hands on it. Finally have been able to crack it open and am thrilled to discover it includes some of the flavours not available in the UK.
A festive lunch with my friend Lizzie when she came to visit for the day. We had turkey sandwiches, mulled wine (sadly not for me) and Christmas pudding in a cosy café decorated for Christmas and it was bloody lovely.
Nigel Slater’s The Christmas Chronicles. I am a sucker for some seasonal reading at this time of year and just 40 pages into this book, I am in love. I identify hard with Nigel’s love and appreciation for midwinter and Christmas, particularly a sentence about how he feels like he can breathe again when the cooler air comes along. I would recommend if you also love the winter, but also if you don’t because this book will encourage you to find the little joys in it.
I hope you are enjoying the season dear reader. I may not be posting for a little while as we wait for and enjoy our new arrival so I hope you have a lovely Christmas (certainly a better one than last year!) and I will see you soon!
7 Dec 2021
12 Random Reflections On Pregnancy
I mean, there are many things to say about pregnancy. It can have you feeling many different things all at the same time and no experience is the same. But these are some of my random reflections on the last nearly-nine months.
1/ I knew heartburn was a thing in pregnancy. Didn’t know it was so much of a thing that I should have bought shares in bloody Gaviscon.
2/ I’m still not over how much is put on due dates when there is essentially a five-week window in which a full-term baby can arrive and only about 5% come on that 40-week date. Blows my mind a little bit.
3/ Midwives really like asking you for a wee. Every time I leave for an appointment, it’s like keys, purse, mask, pot of urine. I have lived in fear of ruining a handbag with my own piss, which hasn’t really been an issue in life up until now.
4/ The narrative of trying to scare new parents-to-be about pregnancy, childbirth and the newborn days has really got to stop. There’s honesty and then there’s deliberately trying to invoke terror in someone in a vulnerable position. Not cool.
5/ We now calculate time in weeks and days but never months. Don’t know why this is confusing for you...
6/ The question I have been asked the most during pregnancy (aside from whether it’s a boy or a girl) is if I’ve had any weird cravings. It amuses me how disappointed people are when you say no. Even Gary seems slightly disappointed that he was never sent out to hunt for gherkins at 3am. I can only apologise.
7/ People really want to touch your bump. It’s like their hand is pulled towards the possibility of new life like a magnet. It’s cute when it’s your friends, less cute when it’s random drunk stranger at a wedding.
8/ The bigger I’ve got, the more off my spatial awareness has become. My error of judgement usually occurs in a café or restaurant when I think I can squeeze between two tables or past a waitress and then suddenly I’m pressing my unborn child into somebody’s face. My bad.
9/ I know it’s just a thing we say but the more it’s been said to me, the more bemused I’ve become by ‘sleep now, whilst you can’. Aside from the fact that I do not possess a magical power to bank my sleep hours for the future (don’t worry lads, got a full night’s sleep on 18th November 2018 so we’re all good), telling this pregnant woman to get a good night’s sleep will result in me detailing how many times I had to get up for a wee last night. You have only yourself to blame.
10/ Do you miss alcohol? Only when surrounded by drunk people and realising how annoying they are when you’re the solitary sober person. Brie on the other hand…. We will be reunited soon my love.
11/ I’ve been pretty lucky in that I’m still able to walk a few miles before needing to stop but my perception of how fast I’m walking is now somewhat off. I think I’m walking at my usual pace and then my Apple Watch asks me if I’ve ‘finished my workout’. Cheeky prick.
12/ Yeah Netflix is great and all but have you ever spent several hours watching your baby move in your belly? Never gets old.
6 Dec 2021
Slow Recipes For Slow Winter Days
Top photo by Gaelle Marcel
5 Dec 2021
Photo Diary: Visiting A Giant Globe @ Ely Cathedral
Back in the summer, the Gaia globe art installation came to Ely cathedral. Measuring seven metres in diameter installed in an impressive cathedral, it was quite the spectacular sight and I love the photos I managed to capture with the wide-angle lens. The installation aims to create the experience astronauts feel when viewing the planet from space and, in light of the pandemic, a new perspective on the Earth, our interconnected societies and the responsibilities we have toward one another and taking care of the environment. You can read more about it here.
Hey there!
