What Happened When I Watched Game Of Thrones For The First Time

16 May 2019

Game of Thrones series 1 recap

Eight years, eight series, 47 Emmy awards… dunno if you know but there’s this series called Game of Thrones that people are kinda in to? And I have never watched a single episode. Dun dun dun.

Admittedly, I’ve vaguely considered starting a couple of times and both of those times, I went and watched the series 1 trailer. And came away just like meh. It didn’t persuade me to go watch and I figure that’s kind of the job of a trailer.

But anyway, after being told I should watch it approx. 897329872 times and the fever around the final series reaching new heights; I finally thought I’d see what the all the fuss was about, pulled the DVD boxset off my dad’s shelf and sat down to watch episode 1.

And so we begin…

Episode 1

Right well, er…. Okay then. Quite frankly, I haven’t the foggiest. We start with snow and murderous dead-but-kinda-not-dead people killing some fellas dressed in black. Sean Bean chops a guy’s head off. There’s a very cold place and a less cold place. Emilia Clarke is naked within ten seconds of being on screen and her brother appears to be fondling her boobs. This is weird. He then sells her to a tall, silent type who subjects her to marital rape. This is very weird.

Is that a younger version of the Bodyguard… Yes it is! Hey Richard Madden *waves*

A kid is climbing walls a lot and there are some cute wolf cubs. Ew, omg, are the twins shagging?! What’s with all the incest?! Oh shit, he just pushed the kid out the window!

Admittedly, the ‘winter is coming’ memes now make more sense. Which is about the only thing that does right now.

*returns to Line of Duty*

Episodes 2 – 6 

Honestly, I’m still not sure I get it but I’ve watched five episodes back to back so clearly something is going on here.

Fucking hell, there’s a lot to keep track of plot-wise. And that’s before you throw in the costumes, the scenery, the violence and like, literally everyone is naked? Why is everyone always naked?!

The boy survived being thrown out the window but can no longer walk and doesn’t remember why he was thrown out the window so the incestuous twins live to shag another day. Really liking the wolves. Really not liking Sean Bean killing one of them. Oh and the music is top notch.

Emilia Clarke seems to like her husband now she’s learned how to ‘please him’. EYE ROLL. She’s also pregnant and had to eat a horse’s heart to be welcomed into the gang. It’s still all a bit weird. But I’m enjoying her being all empowered and standing up to her pathetic-makes-your-skin-crawl brother. He’s clearly a tosser. Oh never mind, he’s had molten gold poured over his head so we no longer need to worry about him. Emilia can also hold coal-hot dragon eggs without burning herself; she’s clearly got some dragon vibes going on. If those eggs don’t hatch, I’m going to be disappointed.

Elsewhere, a knight chopped a horse’s head off because he lost a tournament, the king is stroppy because Sean Bean doesn’t want to kill Emilia Clarke and Sean Bean’s wife has kidnapped the ‘imp’. Big fan of Tyrion btw. Crackin’ comedy value. Sean Bean’s sons mostly seem to wander around looking moody and his daughter (the ginger one that isn’t Maisie Williams) still wants to marry the blond Lannister weirdo despite the fact he’s clearly a piece of shit. She’s v annoying. Maisie Williams is more my kinda girl; excited to see what she does with her ‘needle’. No, that’s not an innuendo. Although in this show, it easily could have been.

Episodes 7 – 8 

Ello ello, it’s Charles Dances skinning a boar. Is it a boar? Maybe. The king has been killed by a boar though so shit’s going down.

Sean Bean has fairly pointed out that smug-blond-face-kid is actually not the heir to the throne (thanks to his mum and uncle/dad being at it) but no one really seems to care and now he’s in a dungeon.

Everyone keeps saying Emilia Clarke is pregnant but she really doesn’t look it and she was going to drink wine tut tut. Although she didn’t because it’s poisonous which pissed off her husband who does some kind of campfire dance and promises to rape women so that’s really swell. Seriously Emilia, I think your husband might be a bit of a prick.

Elsewhere the moody Stark sons are either going to war or fighting off zombies (kinda) and Maisie Williams finally got to ‘stick em with the pointy end’ and did a runner. Not sure where she’s at but am keeping an eye out for her. Between her and Emilia Clarke, I’m hopeful for some kick ass women emerging any time soon.

Otherwise, there’s some pointless lesbian porn and men appearing naked on screen for literally no reason other than for a ten-year-old Stark to say ‘put your clothes on mate’. It’s getting a bit tiresome.

Have a lot of time for Tyrion which you might be able to tell because his is the only name I’ve bothered to learn. Well, that and Jon Snow’s but that’s because it just makes me think of the Channel 4 news presenter.

Seems rude not to finish the series so we shall plod on…

Episodes 9 – 10 

Everybody shut up!  It. Just. Got. Interesting.

They killed Sean Bean! The dragons have hatched! Evil blond Lannister twat is king! Emilia Clarke’s husband is dead (but not before he was showered with the blood of his horse)! It is aaaalll going down.

Tyrion had me pissing myself with attempts to go into battle (‘stay low’… stop it now) and I really hope he sticks around. Clearly no one is safe. I can’t believe Sean Bean’s head is on a spike; did not see that one coming!

Richard Madden aka Robb Stark (look I’ve learned his name), still pissed off and still marching to war, has become King of the North but also has to marry Argos Filch’s daughter in exchange for walking over a bridge. It’s a mixed bag.

Jon Snow tries to desert the Knight’s Watch to avenge Sean Bean’s death but his mate Sam (who is too nice for this horrible world) gets him to stick to the whole honour shenanigans. I’m really rather taken by Ghost, the wolf. I’m assured the wolves are going to continue to get bigger so that’s excellent.

Emilia Clarke’s hubby has an infected cut and Emilia tries to get a witchy woman to save him, only witchy woman is pissed off with the whole situation so he is left in a vegetative state and Emilia’s unborn baby dies. So Emilia suffocates hubby and burns witchy woman on his pyre. Not too bothered about hubby’s loss tbh. And then she rises magnificently from the ashes with dun dun dun, THE DRAGONS.

Finally, we’re getting somewhere.


The final episodes have convinced me to keep watching. It felt like this series was about setting the scene which I found equally annoying but also intriguing because, well, what’s to come? Please tell me the dragons are gonna become enormous epic dragons. But enough with the porn. It brings the whole show down. Less porn, more dragons. That’s a weird sentence...