41 things I learned at university

13 Jul 2017

July 2017 marks 4 years since my graduation. Can I freak out now? Where the effing heck did those 4 years go? I seemed to have jumped from downing jagerbombs to shiny (and alarmed) new graduate to like, can I say it, a somewhat functioning adult?


Uh huh. I just said ‘heck’. Cool, I’m now in my mid-fifties.

Here’s what three years as a student in Bath taught me anyhoo. It’s not got much to do with my degree subject, ngl.

1) Medical walk in centres are a life saver. For when you suddenly realise you're down to your final pill, for the time your friend walked into a pay and display machine (good one Haylz), for a life time supply of banana flavoured condoms... These guys got ya back. Unlike the on-campus doctor. Where were you at pal?

2) Heels are overrated. Why put yourself through the pain when you could wear comfy flats and literally dance all night?

3) Small universities can get pretty incestuous pretty quickly and you might end up sleeping with the same people as some of your friends. Least you can compare notes.  

4) It doesn’t matter how exciting a topic is; if you have to write an essay on it, it suddenly becomes about as interesting as watching paint dry.

5) Toilet pictures are hilarious if you took them and horrendous if you’re in them. There are several photos of me drunkenly pissing in existence and one day they will resurface in a blackmail scenario, I’m certain of it.

6) Going to a lecture drunk actually isn't 'better than not going at all'.

7) It is possible to develop the ability to completely ignore your body when it's begging you to stop with the endless cycle of alcohol, toasties and all-nighters. Shut up you whiny bitch.

8) You can survive for a long time with a fork as your sole piece of cutlery.

9) Going out drinking when you have a fever is kinda idiotic. Sweat it out babes, sweat it out.

10) To survive a house-share successfully, you need to be forgiving, patient and DON’T EAT OTHER PEOPLE’S FOOD.

11) Agreeing to take part in a science dissertation means you could end up in a laboratory eating sausages. Don't ask.

12) Singing along to the radio in an A&E waiting room does not make you popular.

13) Absinthe is about as fun as drinking bleach. And let's face it, you basically are.

14) By the end of the three years, you will probs have heard and/or witnessed most of your friends having sex. It’s surprising how blasé you are about it by the end.

15) Pinning your graduation hat to your head is a guaranteed way to make sure it stays on your head but ruin your ‘throw your hat in the air’ photo.

16) Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to get a student overdraft. It will follow you around for years afterwards like some creepy ex.

17) Drunken heart to hearts form solid friendships. And usually take place in the smoking area of a club.

18) Students don't actually live off takeaways (who can afford that shit?) but you will eat many portions of cheesy chips at 3 in the morning.

19) You probably shouldn’t dance on a roundabout in six-inch heels cos you probably will sprain your ankle and probably still have problems with it six years later.

20) Being high just makes me eat a shit load of food. And I think we can all agree that was a skill I didn’t need to work on.

21) Some people think it's acceptable to write Doctor Who fan fiction for a Creative Writing dissertation. True story.

22) You will develop a go-to pre-drink that you’ll never drink again the moment you graduate. Aw Sainsbury’s own vodka and lemonade, you and me had some good times girl.

23) Don't stand still for too long in THAT nightclub. You'll get stuck to the floor and that will be your life going forward.

24) It is a truth universally acknowledged that a carnage t-shirt will not survive the night intact.

25) At some point, you will steal a traffic cone. It’s like a right of passage.

26) Going out dressed as a sheep through the means of wrapping yourself in cotton wool is nothing short of hilarious.

27) It is a lot more acceptable to kiss strangers on a regular basis as a student than any other time of life.

28) Student landlords are pricks by default.

29) Students will get unbelievably inventive when it comes to practical jokes. If only they put that much dedication into their actual degree eh?

30) People who dance like no one is watching are the best kind of people.

31) Some of the very best times were when you were all squashed into a tiny house doing absolutely nothing.

32) It is actually possible to write an essay having not read the book it's about... And still get a first.

33) There is no greater feeling than when your student loan hits your bank account. SWEET JESUS I’M RICH. CHAMPAGNE ALL ROUND.

34) There will be so. many. things you neglect to tell your mum about when you go home for the holidays. Been quite boring really mum. Definitely didn’t throw up in the sink five minutes before going to work. Definitely haven’t been anywhere near illegal substances. Definitely handed all my essays in on time. Uh huh.

35) Sometimes, you will come home to find your housemates drunkenly cooking soup in the middle of the night and you just gotta take it in your stride.

36) You will be covered in so much fake blood during the Halloween night out, you’ll wonder if maybe you have actually seriously injured yourself after all.

37) You will become so used to the most random shit occurring. Yes stranger, there is a chilli hanging from the lampshade, yes he is wearing a sheep mask, yes my bed is entirely covered in post it notes, yes he did come home from a night out with a cat... WHAT OF IT?

38) Yup, there is such a thing as a popcorn party.

39) There’s a reason why you experience student life whilst young. Because if you asked me now if I fancied going clubbing or drinking jagerbombs or not sleeping for 47 hours, I’d probs look at you like you’d just asked me to swim in a pool of spiders.

40) Doesn't matter where you are or where you go, you'll always have a gorgeous view cos Bath is a freakin’ amazing city. No you’re biased.

41) If you’re lucky enough, you will go through those three years with your own little family. Some you’ll remain friends with forever, some may have caused you a lot of heartache and some you may no longer know but actually, you’ll cherish each and every one of them for the rest of your life because what a bloody laugh you had eh?

So much nostalgia <3