20 Feb 2023
If we were having a coffee, I would tell you... #3
My mum always says that it is around my birthday (mid-February) that the weather starts to turn, Spring starts to tentatively say; hi, I’m on my way, hang on in there. The light changes, there are snowdrops popping up with an air of hope, there are more blue-sky days, I opt for a lighter coat. It feels lovely and hopeful to turn my face into the sun; the end of winter is here. Grab yourself a coffee/cuppa/hot choc, let’s catch up:
The start of the year… Oh it’s been a mixed few weeks. Gentle in many ways which is how the start of the year should be, but also hard work in so many others. Bereavement, one-year-jabs (brutal), stomach bugs, fevers, a general feeling of unsettledness that comes with a new routine and – as always – sleep deprivation. Will I ever sleep through the night again dear god. But we have made a lot of firm and tentative plans for the year ahead and I am so looking forward to it.
Back to work and writing routines… the biggest change at the start of this year has been returning to work. It’s been five weeks now, and we’re all starting to feel a bit more settled. It has been an adjustment for the little one and we’ve had to negotiate increased clinginess and more disrupted nights, but I think we’re getting there. It’s a disorientating feeling returning to work (particularly when working from home/part time) after a year away and yet, it does all start drifting back to you. I hoped life would feel more balanced by going back to work and it does. I’m enjoying the routine of work, of looking after Alfie and a precious afternoon a week to myself to write/do life admin. My current writing routine takes me to one of my favourite coffee shops where I sit by the open fire and bash out words on my little keyboard with the delicious feeling that there’s nowhere else I need to be, just for a couple of hours.
Good food, cute date… Two months in and so far, we’ve stuck to our commitment to have monthly dates throughout 2023. Nothing fancy but it’s amazing the difference a little child-free lunch date can make, particularly when there’s delicious sushi and katsu curry involved.
Excellent books & TV… That final season of Happy Valley! I am a little more selective about what TV to watch these days as I only want to use the time if it is really worth it, and I can confirm that I would quite happily watch several more hours of Sarah Lancashire grumpily marching around Calder Valley. In the book department, my aim to spend a lot more time reading is doing wonders for my mental health and I have read some absolutely crackin’ books in the last few weeks. I had a book hangover from Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow and I suspect I am going to have the same from my current read – The Whalebone Theatre (I’m two thirds of the way into this one so no spoilers please). Very different books but both brilliant.
31 years around the sun… Hadn’t quite processed being 30 yet but here we are! Naturally, it was the one day none of us were at home so OF COURSE it was also the one day the nursery called us saying Alfie had a temperature and needed picking up. Gary was in Kent, and I was on a train into London so you can imagine how well that went down. Even so, birthdays – if you’re lucky enough – have a way to make you feel very loved even if they don’t go to plan. It’s the little things for me: all your favourite people sending you a message, surprise flowers from a friend, cake on tap, a little candle in your dessert at the restaurant. I feel very lucky for the people in my life, even if my dismal WhatsApp response time must drive them mad (FOREVER SORRY).
Tell me, how’s the first couple of months of the year been for you?
P.S. Just a little reminder that I am now on Substack. You will find monthly short stories, titbits from the kitchen and other bits and bobs. February’s short story is going out soon and it would be really very nice if you subscribed. You can do so here.
31 Jan 2023
Goals/Hopes For 2023
I know it’s not for everyone, but I love the refresh of a new year. It gives me the push to tackle life admin and to organise the house which always make me feel revitalised and like I’m vaguely in control of my life. I like having goals/mindsets for the year ahead because they propel me forward and give some structure in my busy mind. It stops me from spending life feeling overwhelmed, ignoring everything and scrolling through Instagram for three hours. Works for me, but absolutely does not have to work for you. This may seem a little late to be setting goals for a new year, but as I said in this post, I think January should be a gradual warm up to the year, allowing ourselves the time to slowly emerge from the Christmas cocoon and figure out what we want from the year ahead.
So, 2023. When reflecting on recent years, two main thoughts come to mind. The first is that between a move to a new area, global pandemic, three lockdowns, pregnancy, childbirth, and the challenging, seismic shift that is the first year of parenting; it has been an intense 3+ years. The second is that in all of this – but in particular, the last 12 months – I have really neglected my physical and mental health.
With that in mind, I want my focus for 2023 to be wellbeing and fun. And you know what they say about FUN people? They write lists… right?
Here is what I’m hoping from this year:
Write regularly (and a new project for you to join)
In 2023, I want to nurture my love of writing again. My laptop and notebooks have been neglected for so long, there’s practically tumble weed drifting across them. When time is so limited, when my mental energy is being pulled in so many other directions; it would be so easy to let my love/need to write drift away. And I really, really don’t want to let that happen. I’m trying not to overthink it, trying to lean into the fun of it, trying to reclaim that feeling of writing when I was a child, without much thought of the finished product, just letting the words trip over themselves as they fall out. With that in mind, I’ve started a little project over on Substack should you wish to come join me. I’ve challenged myself to write a short story for every month of the year in 2023. I’ll have the month to write each one (and they will be set in that month) and then will publish at the end of the month. I’m hoping it will help me keep up a regular writing practice but without too much overthinking. There will also be titbits from the kitchen - love letters to food, cookbook recommendations, the adventures of an amateur baker – and other messy moments of life thrown in between; stuff that perhaps doesn’t fit here. If you’d like to join – you can sign up here. If it’s not for you, that’s cool too. This little online scrapbook will still be here.
Read plenty
I have normally shied away from the trend of setting reading goals because I have been an avid reader since the moment I could read so a) never really felt the need and b) felt a little like it might suck the joy out it. However, like everything in my life right now, this much-loved hobby needs a kick-up-the-arse and some prioritisation, particularly as it is one of the best things I can do for my mental health. I want to read at least 40 books this year, although I have a very loose aim of trying to read one book a week. I would also like to push myself to read a bit out of my comfort zone and stick, as much as possible, to supporting independent book shops (particularly my beloved local one!).
Monthly dates
Quality time as a couple was neglected in 2022 so we have made a commitment to, as a minimum, schedule monthly date days/nights. It has been a dawning realisation that having a child means if you don’t physically put quality time in the diary and organise childcare, it ain’t gonna happen.
Keep a daily journal
A private one, as opposed to this online one. Nothing particularly detailed, or emotion-heavy; I just want to take five minutes to jot down what happens each day. It is so easy to forget the day-to-day moments (particularly when sleep deprived) and I don’t want to forget all the little memories of Alfie’s childhood.
Keep baking
I don’t need a goal to bake more; if anything, some would argue I should bake less but we don’t listen to those people. Baking regularly will continue but I’d like to expand my skillset this year. It’s the year of the bread and the pastry. Top of my list are mastering sourdough, croissants and a really good focaccia.
Have as much fun as possible
It is an elusive thing, really, to say you want to have more fun but I think what that looks like for me is: an acceptance to go with the flow as much as possible when hanging out with Alfie, saying yes but also accepting when to say no (and not feel guilty/anxious) because something does not work in our current phase of life, scheduling time as a couple, time with friends, time with family, leaning into silliness, seeking out new things and unashamedly prioritising (and asking) for time to do things that make my soul feel warm and content (see above).
Prioritise my health
This is not some unrealistic claim that I’m going to go on a diet or run a marathon (yeah right) or give up cake (again, yeah right), more just a hope that I can stop living on survival mode when it comes to my wellbeing. It has been a year of brutal sleep deprivation and I have found it extremely challenging. The 12-month milestone brought a certain amount of despair (it has been a year and we’re still in this) but also acceptance (we can’t put our entire lives on hold until this child sleeps for longer than a couple of hours). I want my mental health to be in a better place (see the majority of the above) and to feel physically stronger and fitter in this unfamiliar post-pregnancy body. I’m still navigating this new version of who I am in all senses, but it would be nice to claim back a bit of my pre-motherhood self. Also, since Alfie started nursery in December this household has seen coughs & colds, hand, foot & mouth, covid and conjunctivitis. We need to ARM ourselves against the barrage of germs fighting their way over our threshold.
Travel
After the pandemic, pregnancy and maternity pay, the travel itch is desperate to be scratched. I’m also keen to figure out incorporating all our favourite things about travel into this new family life, as well as trying to keep our travel flight-free. We are currently in the beginning stages of planning a UK holiday in Somerset and a European road trip that involves seeing new cities and visiting our family in The Netherlands for the first time since pre-pandemic.
Hope January has been calm and cosy for you dear reader; do let me know what you’re looking forward to about the year ahead.
5 Jan 2023
New Year, Gentle Start
The second is that I fully endorse the new-year-same-you mentality and actively dislike any kind of pressure to suddenly better yourself, particularly when it comes to changing your body. But I also know that I do enjoy the new year as an opportunity to reset, reflect and plan ahead. My only real aim last year was to enjoy a gentle maternity leave which is absolutely what I needed to do but, as a result, I now have a real urge to shake myself out of a slumber as it were. Resetting, adjusting and making goals is absolutely needed for me this year. BUT…
And finally, my most important lesson: it is a fool’s errand to try and do a big new year reset on New Year’s Day. This is stupid. New Year’s Day is a bank holiday. The Christmas tree is still up, there are still leftovers lingering in the fridge, you still haven’t the foggiest what day it is. One of the best things I have started doing in recent years is beginning a new year gently. If you want to partake in the reset-adjust-make-goals mentality of new year, trying to switch from Christmas hibernation mode to GET EVERYTHING DONE mode overnight is just setting yourself up for failure. In my opinion, at least the first couple of weeks of January should be dedicated to gently sorting things out in a guilt free fashion. Spread out the tasks, think about what you might want to achieve or do with the year ahead whilst your hand meanders around the dregs of the remaining Quality Street, turn on some fairy lights and snuggle down in an evening because the weather is grey and the twinkly Christmas trees are disappearing and that can feel a bit grim. If we were to use the whole month to do this, I think that would be okay. It takes the pressure off, stops you feeling guilty if you haven’t cracked on with any goals/resolutions yet and actually gives you a breather to think and plan. This year, I return to work mid-January so for me personally, that is my unofficial re-start and I’m loosely using these two weeks to tick-off lingering life admin tasks, do some clearing out and make plans for 2023.
I firmly believe that if we don’t want to make any changes just because the calendar clicked over into January, we shouldn’t. I also firmly believe that if we find the new year a good opportunity to reset and adjust, we should embrace it. But none of it should be done in a rush and there absolutely should not be any guilt involved whatsoever.
31 Dec 2022
One Minute Book Reviews: What I've Been Reading In 2022
Back again with some mini book reviews, should you be on the hunt for your next read or – like me – quite like reading other people’s book reviews (welcome fellow book nerd). As baby became more active, time for reading decreased as 2022 went on but I hope to prioritise curling up with a book more next year. In the meantime, this is what I’ve squeezed in over the last few months.
The Christmas Bookshop by Jenny Colgan – a nice, cosy read for the festive season. Edinburgh at Christmas, a bookshop, flawed & loveable characters becoming better versions of themselves – exactly what you want and expect from a comforting and Christmassy book to read by the twinkly Christmas tree. 3.5/5
Happy reading folks, and happy new year x
If We Were Having A Coffee, I Would Tell You... #2
I mean, I don’t actually drink coffee but no need to get into semantics (although I’ll have a hot chocolate or chai latte if you’re ordering). Lemme just take my coat off and dither about which cake I’m going to indulge in, and I’ll be right with you.
That Covid finally got us… Because I feel the need to apologise for the coughing. Yes, we avoided it for nearly three years, but it finally came for us. Luckily, we are jabbed up to our eyeballs which is a good job because this breathlessness is no joke. It’s like being nine months pregnant again but worse because I lay down and have coughing fits which is just swell when you’ve got a sleeping baby two inches from you. Also, I momentarily lost my sense of taste and smell and was, of course, very stoic about it and didn’t mention it once….
About our Autumn… A few highlights:
- My mum and I went to a local book event with Raynor Winn, author of The Salt Path which was so interesting.
- Had a catch up with one of my favourite people, Jordan, when it was just about still warm enough to sit outside, and we ate pizza and had plenty of conversations that started with ‘TMI but…’. It was such a tonic.
- Bake Off bake along didn’t really happen because, as much as I love Bake Off, the bakes were a bit ridiculous this series BUT I did have a go at making macarons for the first time and was pretty chuffed at how well they came out.
- Our friends Dan & Guus came to visit for a weekend and it was so lovely to catch up and explore the local area.
- We took a trip up north to see my Dad for the weekend and our visit happened to coincide with the water being very low at Ladybower reservoir which meant the remains of the lost village of Derwent valley was exposed. It was fascinating!
- We had our first visit to a pumpkin patch! For me or my child? Hard to say. Surprisingly fun. Involved churros.
- A weekend with my girls where they generously looked after the little one whilst I had a NINETY MINUTE massage. Bloody love ‘em.
- A lovely lunch at Lina’s in Kings Cross with my sister. Have really loved exploring more of Coal Drop’s Yard this year.
- Two festive evenings out with the NCT girls, so very lucky to have met such a brilliant bunch.
Alfie turned one… a whole year of our boy. A whole year of his crinkly-nosed smile, big brown eyes and fluffy hair. His first year involved soaring highs and crushing lows but our boy is an absolute friggin’ delight and I am so excited for his second year. Also, Gary and I have survived a year of brutal sleep deprivation so I presume we will be presented with a badge and lollipop sometime soon.
About Christmas… On the whole, it was far better then being in lockdown or being in hospital and there were moments of real joy. But, what with it being Alfie’s first birthday and his first proper Christmas, there was a pressure for it all to be very magical (partly external and partly from myself because I am ordinarily a very festive person) and what with catching Covid and facing the reality of what it means to have a child born at Christmas (it’s intense and busy), it felt a tad overwhelming and manic as well as magical and joyful. I had to have a few words with myself about how a one-year-old hasn’t the foggiest what’s going on so there was no need to feel The Pressure but, hey, we’re only human right? Still, there was Christmas trees and my mum’s cooking and lots of love going round and what more do we need at Christmas time? The lovely limbo time between Christmas and New Year has been a tad different from previous years (turns out one can’t lock the door and lie on the sofa for six days with a one-year-old) but we’ve still managed to forgot what day it is and eaten plenty of leftovers to the soundtrack of Only Fools & Horses in the background. I know it’s cliché but I’m really leaning into the new year reset this year, particularly as I’ll be going back to work in January. It feels like time for a refresh and I’m looking forward to it.
SO, tell me about your Christmas?
13 Dec 2022
On The End Of Maternity Leave
Sitting in a café writing is one of my favourite things to do and I haven’t had the opportunity for twelve months. I’m gonna hold my hands up and say I was a tad naive about how intense this year was going to be. I really thought – bearing in mind our boy is nearly one – we would have been able to leave him for at least a full day but probably overnight by now. *Insert sarcastic laughter here*. His disinterest in food, refusal to take a bottle and heavy reliance on milk, whilst all perfectly normal, have meant that I have barely been able to leave him for a matter of hours, let alone overnight. Unfortunately, where I go, my boobs come with me. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve fantasised about being able to leave them behind (there’s a mental image for you). I am not going to moan. We are incredibly lucky. It’s just been very intense with very little let up and I’m ready for change now.
From January, I will be back at work and if I’m completely honest, I am looking forward to it. Huge amounts of new respect for stay-at-home parents because right now, the idea of sitting at my desk and doing a full-day’s work feels like it will be a day off in comparison. I am obviously slightly glamourising work after a year ‘off’ and I know it’s going to be A Juggle, but I do think this new stage will bring more balance to our lives. The scales are currently all tipped firmly in one direction, and I feel that the combination of having some childcare, the ability to finally being able to leave baby with other people for longer periods and the return of using my brain for things other than nursery rhymes and nappy changes will make life feel more evenly weighted. We can’t afford full-time childcare (discovering the cost of childcare was a thoroughly unwelcome education) so I will be going back to work part-time but, despite the pay-cut, I am looking forward to a mix of work and time with my little man.
A few months into my maternity leave, I saw one of those little text Instagram posts which said ‘maternity leave is the most busy-bored, happy-sad you’ll ever be whilst also the most tired you’ve ever been. It’s the farthest thing from a vacation and the closest thing to a mental breakdown. IDK how else to describe it. It’s a weird time.’ Everyone will experience maternity leave differently of course but this is honestly the best description I have seen of my experience of being on mat leave. Hard relate, as the kids say. Nothing could have prepared me for the rollercoaster of emotions of 2022 nor of the profound effect of prolonged sleep deprivation on my physical and mental health. It has been so hard at times. And yet, so joyous. Because, equally, nothing could have prepared me for the delight of raising a mini human, of watching him grow and learn.
Having a baby has felt a little like having a very cute bomb go off in the centre of our lives with the first year spent trying to put all the pieces back together, only the pieces are now different shapes and sizes. It’s bewildering and exciting, exhausting and full of delirious laughter. A lot of people tell you that there comes a point where you feel like you are turning a corner and I finally feel it. I think a moment comes where you no longer feel like ‘new parents’ and simply just parents. Where you feel more relaxed, more accepting, and more like this is your life rather than some weird out-of-body experience.
I’ve spent most of this year living one-day-at-a-time and now I’m excited and planning for the future, and I feel very relieved to be here. Unsolicited advice on parenting is so irritating but if I could say one thing to any new parent, it would be to respect your own timeline. You and your baby are unique and you can only move at your own pace. You may be technically out of the newborn stage but that doesn’t mean you should suddenly feel less shellshocked or have all your shit together. It’s okay not to love the experience straight away even if everyone else appears to (no matter how much you love your child, I think asking people to enjoy no sleep and vaginal tears is asking too much quite frankly). Keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to punch people when they tell you it will get better. It will of course, but it takes however long it takes, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that certain things will go away – I am unfortunately still outrageously sleep deprived nearly a year in – but you find that the fog slowly begins to lift and one day you realise you can see clearly again.
It's been one hell of a year. The first year of the best boy I know, but I have no shame in admitting that I am so ready for the next chapter.
Hey there!
